Job Wanted

By:
In-House Review - Apr 24 2004

Another East Euro fuckflick from Private, the high-end quality company that usually makes ladyporn before it got wise and, to quote Homer Simpson, "saw an overcrowded marketplace and cried, 'Me too!'" Luckily this fourth in the Private Man series keeps the high standards in place. Following the pattern, this one is also a story driven piece. In the previous three we've had sword and sandals, small-time gamblers and high fashion. This time it's unemployment and the minefields of problems it poses gay men. How can you afford White Party tickets? How far will crystal meth stretch your food stamps? And how long will it be before people start pointing you out in bars and whispering 'Wendy Welfare' to their best friends? Recognizeable foreskinned frankfurters are on parade here (yummy). No names are given, but it won't take anyone with half a brain and ten minutes spare to decipher who's who. Start as you mean to go on with an intense sex session between Antonio and Deny. We crash the scene as they are already naked, Antonio chewing on nipples and sucking his buddy's massive cock. As they fuck, homeowner (and coverstar) Vidanov walks in and sees what's going on. Vidanov, star of dozens of films, doesn't react as he sees his lover, Deny, nailing someone else's ass. The nice guy lets him cover Antonio's buttocks with spooge before going insane and throwing the naff adulterous trollop out the door. Antonio is still in the house and calms Vidanov down with his sexy body and offer of a ride where many have ridden before. Your ex's sloppy seconds - doesn't really work for me. However, this Dr. Ruth on Quaaludes offer of "sexual healing" is taken up, as Antonio swings from his nipples by his teeth, before attaching his already well-used backside to Vidanov's thrusting hips. An athletic session ends with Antonio's buns getting creamy once again, this time with a fab split screen effect. Vidanov needs a job, and needs it fast. He responds to an ad seeking a "horny young man" and stupidly applies. Hmmm - what sort of job could this be leading to? I'm guessing it's not the guy who makes your glasses in less than an hour. I suppose this is what happens if you peruse the ads in "Felcher's Daily". The job interview happens in the home of the achingly trendy Attis (aka Janos Volt) home. He first comes across as a steroided-up James bond-esque supervillian, complete with mute manservant called Fuc-Me-Tu (Bizanci). "My kind of name", Vidanov comments. Turns out Attis is actually a chemist, and has created a new elixir that requires test subjects. The potion apparently increases both libido and dick size. (So where the fuck do I sign up? Knowing my luck, though, I'd be in the placebo group.) There's one side-effect, however: It turns straight men gay. Take that Jerry Falwell! Can I get some? There's a cute guy in my office who needs to lose those meddling wife and kids. "I used to be straight," Attis tells him. I really wanted his next sentence to be, "now I watch the Golden Girls, dress with flair and treat my pets like children," but alas, it just wasn't to be. Vidanov shares a sample with Attis and the room begins to sway as servants Fuc-Me-Tu and Peter strip in one corner, whilst Vidanov and Attis get busy on the couch as the viagra/ecstasy mojo-mixer kicks in big-time. They facefuck each other before Vidanov jumps for Attis' appealing hole, pumping away like a man possessed (or high). Fuc-Me-Tu straddles Peter before all four let loose gallons of chemically enhanced white-willy-. A wonderfully filmed, totally amazing scene! Great trippy, echoey sound used for great effect. I love the living room rug, too. There's also some very chic-looking white circles on black background that is great as a conversation-piece, but must suck if you want to play Twister. A week later the "slutty professor" entertains two potential investors, Tamas and Alexander (aka Sandor Sablon), who sample the potion offered by now full-time assistant Vidanov. Of course it hits straight away and big uncut cocks come sproing-ing from trousers. Tamas, as Mr. Woodcock, is approached by Attis: "Is it true what they say about your cock?" he asks slyly. (What - that it's really made of wood? You'd get splinters!) Vidanov is already going to town on muscular Alexander's suckstick whilst Attis checks out Tamas's "investor's portfolio". Attis fucks Tamas whilst Vidanov straddles his colleague and I'm thinking the emotion-potion must be a close relation to those parasites in David Cronenberg's Shivers. Vidanov is dripping with sweat as he rides the stallion beneath him for all it's worth, his massive cock staying granite-hard throughout. When they all finally cum, we can see that two investors are gonna make the duo rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Six months pass and the black Jags fill the garage, when Attis decides to inject a bit of new into the company. To his lover/business partner Vidanov's horror it's none other than that cheap tramp Deny. Servant Frenky (goes to Hollywood?) test-rides the blonde stud whilst Attis tries to change his spouse's mind with a bit of hot crotch attention nearby. (So this is responsible for the end of civilization if all it does is make people want to forget their routines and business acumen and just buttfuck? Hmm.) A flip-flopping suckathon leads to a great finale as Deny fucks Frenky whilst Vidanov rides Attis all the way to Pleasureville. Frenky looks totally edible as his sweat-soaked gym-toned physique convulses with every thrust of the insatiable Deny. The split-screen cum-shots (two for the price of one!) are bang on the mark. Vidanov remains unconvinced of Deny's suitability; after all, Deny blamed his cheating sessions on Vidanov being unemployed and perpetually poor. What a shit. However, Attis eventually charms him and the duo becomes a menage-a-trois. The credits roll and I'm assuming they all live happily ever after, even though there are so many plotholes and loose ends that I'm hoping they'll be a sequel. I so need closure. And Kleenex. The unintentionally hilarious campily-voiced dubbing in Private Man's movies is rapidly replacing Csaba Borbely's terrible subtitling as my all-time favorite thing about Eastern European filth. Still, a faultless, wonderful, pant-wettingly good time is guaranteed when you watch this masterpiece. -Froufrou A. Gogo