Acres of Ass

By:
In-House Review - Nov 03 2005

How did you spend Christmas 2002 they asked? "I was surprised by friends in the morning, received an abundance of gifts from my large circle of close pals, had turkey with all the trimmings, and then was gangbanged by the most gorgeous men in the Tri-State area." Not true, actually. In reality I watched and reviewed porno on my own. And you know what, with titles like this, I'm glad I told everyone I was with my parents in Jersey and therefore unreachable. Because this movie (and its sequel) is great! This is the first of a two-parter from Steven Scarborough's Hot House Entertainment and Plain Wrapped Video, home of the dirtiest pigsex flicks I've seen in a long time. If you haven't seen any of their other ventures (and with names like Dr. Good Glove, Mo' Bigga' Butt and Mo' Betta' Butt why haven't you?) expect horned-up hot hairy muscle guys, rough as they come, delivering a barrage of verbal and enough Elbow Grease to drown a football team. Your mother wouldn't like it, but Oh God you will! We dive straight in to Michaels worshipping Mossinni's harness-clad body against a plain black backdrop; nothing here to distract you from the action. Mossinni (in his first and last XXX encounter) is an international bodybuilder of some renown and keeps his mask on throughout to preserve his anonymity. But just look at that amazing body, as Michaels' tongue works its way up, giving great attention to both motorbike boots and black leather jock. Dissolve to Michaels taking an eye-wateringly large dildo up his butt. We start with one that would usually finish most people off, but this is just the beginning. He grunts his way through the inches, all the while the stoic and patient Mossinni slowly thrusts in and out, like a mysterious silent Viking God. Next up, goateed, pierced pig Spike fists himself (!) before taking an intestine ripping mega-big black dildo all the way up first try. He fists and fucks himself in a great show - even giving us a view of his rosebudding prolapse. Back with Mossinni and Michaels and even bigger toys. Mossinni it up his slave's rectum - who cares if he can take it or not? Are you gonna say "no" to this master? A great series of close-ups (dilated holes, Mossinni putting on rubber gloves) wet our appetite for a great fisting scene, Mossinni using both hands to stretch his bottom-bitch even further apart. Many great positions here, as Mossinni's biceps (bigger than my waistline) glisten with sweat as Michaels rides his fist. We dissolve back to Spike getting his already banged-out-of-shape bitchcunt being torn apart by megastud Jay, a fierce looking tattooed hunk of manmeat. He teases Spike's hole with some great encouraging verbal and his hands, before letting his partner sit on one of the biggest dildos you'll have seen in a while. And he takes it like a man - all the way! The toys get bigger and wider and these two just go insane. Quite a difference from the first scene, which is no criticism of their skills; it's just a nice juxtaposition of strong and silent versus filthy and loud. When Spike kisses Jay before feeding him his hot ass (Jay needs to be pulled off!) it's not only raunch-a-rama, it's romantic in a hog sex kinda way! He then gloves up (these films are totally safe-sex identified - fabulous!) and slow-mo punchfucks his partner to a level beyond joy. I once heard a good tip about watching these vidz - watch first normally, then speed it up for that Benny-Hill style comedy. Double your pleasure! Suddenly, leather clad Stoker appears from nowhere, taking a shine to Jay; Spike is told to hit the shower. Whatever will happen next? You'll have to wait for the sequel to find out but don't worry, as you'll forget all about it after seeing uber-filth-mouthed Cole Tucker put Michaels through his paces on a sling. We're all big fans of Mr. Tucker (when you say that name, smile) and here he shows off his genuine star quality, tonguing his bound captive's hole while slapping him into manful submission. Michaels' nipples go through some real torture, but his hole gets even more. Graduating from tongue to fingers (and freeing up that filthy mouth!) he works as many in as possible (and does his trademark "bash the bicep and watch the whole arm shake" move that looks odd but no doubt feels great). Tucker pulls out a double whammy here that'll make you cream your pants. After teasing Michael's puckering browneye with his big dick, he whaps out and sparks up a huge stogie, blowing smoke all over his captive and holding the glowing end dangerously close to both his captive's nipples and asshole. Tucker places his cigar up Michael's crack - the non-glowing end, silly! And we come to a close on this fabulous video, but the story doesn't end there. There's a sequel - and with the promise of seeing Jay do his famous bottoming I've already ordered it! This has great music and hot production values, but maybe could have spent a bit more on better lighting. You don't see many hard-ons and there's no fucking. However, Mossinni looked great - though I wasn't 100% convinced he was doing anything apart from going through the motions. I showed this unbelievable DVD to a friend of mine who commented: "There are pigs... and then there are pigs!" This is beyond pig - this is the whole fucking barnyard! -Froufrou A. Gogo