Nothin' Nice

By:
In-House Review - Sep 15 2004

Presented fully uncut and uncensored. Well. I guess it had to happen. Hitchcock made Family Plot. Spielberg made Always. And George Lucas never made a good film ever. In English - every high quality studio has made at least one turkey. Gobble gobble! This is Plain Wrapped's "doesn't really know where it's going" title, and subsequently, never ever gets there. I'm not saying there's nothing nice about Nothin' Nice; rather it can't hold its head up when compared to some of the studio's other titles available on DVD. We start with 250 lb. Stanton yammering on about how he sees Butterfingers as legal crack and some bizarre Shirley MacLaine-style philosophies confirming the stereotype that body builders really are as dumb as posts. Anyway, we'll see his performance later as first we meet the Mega Mystery Hole (coming to take you away, take you away!); he's a masked performer with a capacious hole you could fall into. No real build-up. He just pops in the first of a series of oversized toys and starts riding them, admiring himself in the mirror as he does so. Along comes the very sexy and experienced Marlowe who wants a go too, so he works on Mystery Man's hole for a bit. Great music here and that mirror has a life of its own making it appear half fun-house/half scene change from a Roger Corman Poe movie. The anonymous leather clad stud repays the favor by working a buttplug up Marlowe's jacksie. And Marlowe's never, ever looked sexier. Out comes a vibrating, err, "contraption" that is lovingly used on that famous hole, sending him contorting with pleasure. Sadly you can't hear the dialogue. Shame. Bet it was filthy. I'm gonna have to learn to lip-read. Marlowe climbs into the sling, wearing fab nipple suckers that looks like he's been shot by a kid's sucker dart . He rides the Mystery Fist (still with a buttplug up himself) screeching silently with pleasure as he gags himself with his black tank-top, working his nipple devices and stroking his semi-hard cock. And he's got a great body. Woof. By way of a thank you Marlowe does an equally impressive dildo/fist job on the Mega Mystery Hole's Mega Mystery Hole. Next up there's hulking British Bulldog Blake and equally hulking Stanton tinkering about in a garage set. Hope the floor was reinforced. These two are so big they look like they'll both be receiving pig heart transplants very soon. It's just not healthy to be that big and muscular. I'd worry that my heart would explode every time I sneezed. Stanton begins by chewing Blake's ass through his greasy overalls before taking them off and tonguing the limey's poopshute. So begins a vanilla Battle of the Bulge as the two kiss, rim, suck, nibble and finger each other in a scene that'll get them drooling into their laps. Stanton greases up his partners hole (and entire buttocks making it look like two glazed hams ready to be put in the oven) and sliding a dildo up there. A small one, compared with Plain Wrapped's usual eye-popping standard. Blake's still too tight and Stanton can't get many fingers up there, so he picks up a speculum to make the task easier. You can see Stanton examine the piece of metal, probably looking for the instructions. Still only capable of taking a few digits in there, Stanton has a good rummage around whilst working his own inches - and check out the amazing bouncing pectorals as he does so. He looks almost in pain as he jerks off and those bulging veins in his forehead look like they're about to erupt Scanners-style. And that's it. Stanton cums twice and no doubt retires to listen to some more bizarre philosophy and mainline Butterfingers. The two sections don't sit comfortably together. Who exactly is this video for? Sadly, not for me, for once. -Froufrou A. Gogo