Missing Link, The: Director's Cut

By: Jameson Rodgers
In-House Review - Jun 08 2010

We all know the conventional wisdom about sequels, especially later ones: their storylines are stale and hackneyed (a cloned Ripley in Alien: Resurrection); their casting is disastrous (Michael Caine in Jaws IV or Sofia Coppola in Godfather III); and they degenerate into crass commercialism (those damned teddy bears in Return of the Jedi). So who said Chi Chi LaRue was ever conventional? Throw out the rulebook and pile up the superlatives! In The Missing Link, Chi Chi goes to the well for the fourth time and comes up with buckets of cum, sweat, spit and piss. This is harrowingly hard-core and utterly uninhibited gay male sex-sleaze at its basest and best. Stale storylines? Try 3½ hours of wall-to-wall, stem-to-stern sex that never gets routine or repetitive. Nine relentless sex scenes, each with a different focus: gangbangs, orgies, uniforms, inter-racials, watersports, penis pumps, and every kind of ass play you can think of - plus some you would never dream of. They're tied together by introductions by Blake Harper, who describes his secret fantasies. The sets alternate between a derelict ship that reeks of testosterone and a deserted warehouse that echoes of sweaty muscle-bound workmen. Casting disasters? Try the biggest, nastiest and sexiest cast ever to cum together - 36 stallions, including big-name stars and a whole stable of newcomers. Almost every type of man is here, from bald-pated uber-daddies to blond-headed pretty-boys, but the emphasis is on rugged, hairy, muscled, masculine men. The entire cast is garbed in uniforms or black leather gear, many sport genital jewelry and tattoos, and all maintain massive erections. Most of all, they clearly are having the time of their lives - shameless and unashamed. Crass commercialism? Try a video that revels in unrepentant depravity - it is not for the faint of heart. The piss flows freely, but that's nothing compared to what gets rammed up rectums. All this nastiness is only intensified by the video's stylishness. The production standards are at their highest, with brilliant camerawork, editing and lighting, and a throbbing soundtrack by the legendary sleaze-star J.D. Slater. So, what and who can you expect? Scene 1, four men: Archetypes face off as sailors Troy Banner and Jay Ross and leather boys Rex Sterling and Aaron Parker get it on. Scene 2, four men: Steve Cassidy, Brad McGuire, Kenny Wolfe and Jackson Price engage in anal abuse and show exactly where the "missing links" are - up Cassidy's and Price's ass. (Yes, you read that right.) What happens to Cassidy's hole when the chain gets pulled out is called "rosebudding." You're almost afraid to watch! Scene 3, three men: Cockpumps get demonstrated by brutish newcomer Tom Lynx, who uses his engorged tool on hyper-butch sex pig Lance Gear. Gear also takes it from Mitch Ryder, who could be Harper's younger brother! Scene 4, eight men: A thrilling orgy divided into two groups: younger guys Tigger (the bottom), Brandon Warner, Alex Burbon (drop-dead gorgeous) and Adam Wolfe; and older guys Mondo Moore (a genuinely masculine bottom), Mike Radcliffe, Scott Ramm and Mark Reed. Scene 5, four men: The video's centerpiece, with the fewest kinks and least raunch - just incredibly hot sex from four magnificent men, each tattooed with a letter of Link: Adam Hart (L), Brandon Warner (I), Nico Bacci (N), Tom Katt (K). The final shot should be made into a poster. Scene 6, two men: Ironically, the video's only duo scene is also its sleaziest. Gear meets his match in newcomer Peter Raeg (they're actual lovers; "Raeg" is "Gear" spelled backwards). This guy is beyond handsome - he belongs on a pedestal, but he dives into a toilet bowl. They go singing in each other's "yellow" rain, inflict an almost violent flip-flop and "play" with the spokes of a ship's steering wheel. (Yeah, you read that right too.) P.S. If Peter Raeg prefers a "private review" of his performance, he should contact this reviewer care of this site to arrange a personal meeting. He can bring Lance Gear along if he wants. Scene 7, four men: Sucking and cumming galore, as dark bombshell Deacon Frost, Brandon James and Adam Wolfe give Logan Krewe the kind of facial Avon never imagined. Scene 8, four men: Harper enters the fray in an interracial fuck-fest, with fucker Jeremy Tucker, followed by bald, jet-black fuckees Dex and Jay Black. Only disappointment: the scene cries out for an Oreo fuck with the Blacks on the ends and Harper in the middle, but it never happens. Scene 9, seven men: A spit-shined orgy that escalates into a brutal gang bang, featuring gargantuan Chad Hunt, Marcus Iron, Joshua Kater, Tom Lynx, Erick Martins, Evan Taylor and the all-too-willing "victim," Carlos Morales. He "tops" off the scene and the video with a double penetration by Hunt and Taylor, followed by a gigantic hollow clear plastic dildo that gives an insider's view of the human body never seen in National Geographic. What an ending! A triumph for all involved. To get through it, you'll need gallons of hand-cream, but you'll end up with gallons of man-cream! How about it, Chi Chi: can you forge a fifth Link?

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In-House Review - Jun 08 2010