Review

Ah, Wash West, that mad young limey fruit. Just when we thought he’d gone all crapola on us, he’s pulled this slick, fast, funny and above all raunchy-as-fuck flick from his crazed imagination. It’s a Jet Set Men production, and finally their crew of plucked and pumped-up beefcake truly deliver the goods. Granted, West could make paraplegic old nuns look shit-hot, so imagine what he does with the likes of stars Tag Eriksson and Josh Hammer.

This is porno pastiche on the "scare the crap outta ya" Japanese Ringu films (and to a lesser extent, the American remake). West is a master storyteller, paying as much attention to script as to sex. It opens with Hammer and Lang recounting the legend of a videotape that when viewed will turn you gay within seven days. (In the original, you'd be dead within the week.)

Turns out Hammer and some buddies have already seen it (Huh? Did they rent it from some videostore?) during their stay at a hotel, and lo and behold, Hammer starts idolizing Liza and watching Lifetime before our very eyes. Hammer tries watching cheerleader porn to no avail, but Lang’s erotic go-going soon gets him standing to attention. They kiss (Hammer watched the tape; what’s Lang’s excuse?) and launch into the first of the film’s amazingly cum-stirring sex-scenes, as Hammer learns to swallow Lang’s wang like a good pussyboy. Having face-fucked his ex-straight-roommate Lang decides he wants a bash too, sucking Hammer’s pierced dong like a seasoned Hollywood hooker. Hammer gets his cherry popped over the kitchen table as Lang’s slow thrusts give way to piston-pumping pounding that sees both spew their juice over Hammer’s tattooed stomach.

There’s a sweet little bit next where Hammer plays acoustic guitar, singing about the acceptance of his true Nellydom. It’s hilarious as he strums (without ever changing chords) though the poor lad is a little too gay-confused. It’s dykes that play guitars. The only other gay man who ever played was Montgomery in Fame, and even he got replaced in the TV series.

A journalist, Swedish hunk Eriksson, pops up asking questions, heading to the hotel (the Duck Inn) where muscular manager Taylor performs a jaw-dropping solo, guaranteed to get any muscle-worshipper’s pulse going ten-a-penny. Back to the plot and Eriksson checks in to the same hotel room as Hammer did, finding the mysterious tape and watching it. The phone rings – “In seven days you’ll be gay”, a mysterious voice rasps.

Day One finds Eriksson visiting Hammer’s buddy Adonis, who tells of how he and fellow tape-watcher Tyson were affected too. [I was more intrigued by the fact that three “straight” jocks all shared one double room at the Duck Inn and began to suspect the tape was merely a placebo.] We flashback to Adonis and Tyson’s first night of full-on Dorothydom as the former “pussyhounds” discover that being gay “like, totally rocks, dude” by finding the nearest bed and getting to know each other biblically.

Tyson can’t wait to deepthroat Adonis’s suckstick, producing the most joy the sweaty jock has ever experienced. Hey, if they are having this much fun we’ll have to start charging admission. Adonis gets his ass eaten clean before rubbering up and impaling his new lover, who proves to be a very hungry and powerful bottom! The studs’ testosterone-fuelled transformation scene climaxes with vocal-heavy lashings of liquid lust, as the do-some twosome run the gamut of sex-positions from Gay to Z. Oh, and Tyson’s Where the Wild Things Are tattoo is, like, totally gnarly, dude.

Their sweet romantic nature comes through as both confess their love for each other, dude. I loved the banana peeling symbolism: All together now - one-skin, two-skin, three-skin…

By Day Four Eriksson is discovering the girls in Hustler aren’t doing it for him any more, instead concentrating on the guys pictured with them (it’s how I started too). He fantasizes about a couple on the page, but as he beats his uncut meat, the cameoing Hart keeps becoming the gorgeous (and famous-in-his-own-mind) Circuit Queen Killian, forcing himself on the slow-to-resist stud. But there’s still three days to go, so Eriksson drops his cum-load before anything too interesting can develop. For shame!

Eriksson realizes he keeps seeing visions of a geodesic domed house (what, you mean Buckminster Fuller created the tape?) and breaks the news to “I’m-in-love-with-you” Hammer. The two track the house to Roswell, New Mexico on Day Six, discovering that its owner died in a mysterious fire during an orgy many years ago. [Damn those careless Roswell kids. Poppers and cigarettes should never be done at the same time!]

As the two explore the grounds they peer through a window, spying on Tucker and Holloway, who are having sex inside. Tucker is first on his knees, getting his co-star’s meat-puppet standing to attention whilst whacking his own dark, foreskinned wonder. Night falls, and the green room fills with mysterious masked guys, as blonde bucket-assed Atkins is served up for the main course.

This is what you’ve been waiting for; a scene so intensely erotic you’ll lick the screen.

West’s sexual craziness is joined by the all-out-fusion of LaRue’s group-sex movies, Cadinot’s intense camera angles and the “beat-em-if-you-got-‘em” ethos of Gage’s infamous circlejerks as the anonymous dudes all join in, forcing their attentions on young Atkins, who can’t wait to be spitroasted. You’ll recognize some of the masked guys, including Ivy and Knight (who, incidentally, can’t keep his hands off Bravo, who in top-hat and mask looks like a white version of the voodoo henchman in Live and Let Die). Keep an eye out for Rex Everything too, who came up with the whole film idea, probably explaining his constant looks to the cameraman, as if he’s saying, “Don’t go ruining my vision, guys.”

This startling tribute to Great Gangbangs of the Past ends with Atkins’ young slender frame coated with seven lashings of creamy goodness, joining his own spooge contribution that splashed across his stomach moments before.

All the while Hammer and Eriksson have been watching, finally knocking on the door to find Tucker dressed and ready to talk. [My first questions would have been, “Hang on, didn’t you die in a house fire twenty years ago?” and “You look well for someone with third degree burns, do you moisturize?” It seems that Tucker just looks like the home’s original owner and it’s a swingers club now; he’s not responsible for the videotape after all.

Rushing back to the Duck Inn, Day Seven dawns and Hammer seduces the “Maybe I’m not gay after all” journalist in the “We’ve-all-been-waiting-for-this” denouement, that still manages to stand proud after the previous crazed fuckfest.

Not just crotch-baitingly scorchsome, this scene is also romantic, as deep-kissing leads to glorious scenes of face-fucking, ball-licking, sixty-nining and fingering before Hammer rides his Love Object’s Love Object like a man possessed. [Wow. I gotta fall down this hole!] Both studs sizzle like mad, and the log cabin better hope it has a sprinkler system. Even Hammer’s dirty feet can’t spoil it, and Eriksson’s champagne-cork popshot (Herr Kommen! Herr Kommen!) whilst Hammer splashes his six-pack is worth the cover-price alone. As they relax and celebrate their newfound love, Hammer romantically asks Eriksson to say something in Swedish. Alas, neither “Ikea” nor “Glockenspiel” are forthcoming.

I won’t ruin the obvious ending, but Professor Frou Frou and her 192 IQ sees that Wash is simply suggesting that even in this day and age, to get someone to admit their true feelings it still might take a magician’s sleight-of-hand - be it real or illusionary.

The DVD is jam-packed full of amazing extras, including scenes from models’ other videos (musclegod Taylor still only solos) and a welcome four sequences of Danny Rhymes, who isn’t even in this movie. Add to this tons of trailers, cumshot reviews, galleries and Website links and it’s the strawberry icing on an already yummy sex-cake!

 -- Froufrou A. Gogo

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