Review

Look, I'm not really into the whole Tera Patrick mystique. Sure, she's a beautiful woman and has done a lot for adult/mainstream crossover but c'mon, she's married to this guy and honestly, she seems a bit lifeless. However, she's got status and I'm all about upping my own so last night I had sex with the next best thing, the new Tera Patrick signature series Fleshlight.

I'm sure you've heard all about The Fleshlight and their wildly successful sex toys. They have become an industry standard for quality and, like the Jackrabbit Impulse Vibe for the ladies, is one of those four star sex toys that only comes around every so often. MEAT BALL had his way with one not too long ago and he was impressed. Coming from someone that knows the magic of a soft gummy blow job from a less than desirable sexual partner, his positive review could have been seen two ways. One, he doesn't know any better and was so high that he actually thought it was a gummy blow job from one of his, "faves". Or, two, he actually was so impressed by the Fleshlight that he wrote a coherent and clear review of an excellent sex toy. Having never used even the most basic of male sex toys I thought it best if I were to give it a go.

For those of you who may not know, the Fleshlight is soft a pliable sex toy made from Real Feel Super Skin. The outer portion of the toy is a molded labia, in this case, based on Ms. Patrick's. The core of the toy is a long tubular structure made of the same Real Feel Skin that comes in two internal textural styles, Girls Lotus and in the case of the Tera Patrick Fleshlight model, Twista(TM). The Real Feel Super Skin portion of a Fleshlight is encased in a plastic tube similar to the form of a flashlight. Hence the name, Fleshlight! Get it? Brilliant.

I flirted with myself for a short spell (about two and half hours or however long the run time on The Dark Knight is) before I settled into my fling with Ms. Patrick. During this time I soaked the Real Feel Skin portion of the toy in warm water (a suggestion on the, "how-to" manual") to make the sensation more life like. Josie Jacobs had suggested that prior to inserting my penis into the toy I should first finger it. She says at her sex shop, the gang likes to test sex toys with their fingers to see which feels most realistic. So, with some hesitation, I squirted a little lube around the simulated vaginal orifice and got to exploring digitally. Gentlemen, I can tell you that someone over at Fleshlight headquarters is familiar with the internal anatomy of the vagina. There is an instant recognition of the ridges one encounters when exploring the vaginal canal. A realistic trap and release occurs as you glide deeper into the cavity and if you close your eyes you might even think that, perhaps, this was the real thing.

After toying with it like that for a bit, I recalled that I had not spent anytime actually analyzing the labia majora and minora visually. I mean, this is a signature series toy based on one of the biggest stars in the adult industries anatomy. Hell, her signature is even right there on the right outer lobe. So I stared at it for a bit. Folks, Tera has a pretty ordinary vagina. Her inner lips (labia minora you retards) extend slightly beyond her outer lips (labia majora) but not in an obtrusive way. Instead, like any well formed vagina, they act more as waving flags guiding your rocket to port. Her right inner lip is larger than her left resulting in an appearance that is not unlike a mouth slipping the tip of it's tongue out to the one side. Cute, creepy but cute.

By this point, I think I was sufficiently turned on to begin thinking about having sex with this thing. Mind you, the toy didn't really turn me on, but Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker? C'mon! So with a slight delay as I lubed up and figured out the the best position to use this toy the game was on. The biggest advantage that the Fleshlight has going for it is it's dedication to realism. It's realness in appearance, texture and flexibility are almost unnerving. As any fella (who's actually had sex, Thrustwell) knows, the point of insertion (when the head of your penis slowly spreads the lips of a woman's vagina as you enter her for the first time) is one of the most important turn-on moments in any sexual experience and peeking down at this moment, using this toy with a healthy imagination? You are there all over again.

So once I was over the initial shock that this toy could actually be as realistic as they say, I focused in on making this thing pay. So I settled into a variation of speeds, movements and thrusting motions looking for a flaw. Looking for some angle or movement that would result in my dick hitting the hard plastic outer shell or chafing on the edge of the rim. However, nothing I did seemed to change the end result. A realistic sensation that again, coupled with a solid imagination had me thinking that I was balls deep in Ms. Patrick. The internal texture, the Tera Patrick signature Twista(TM) created a slow suction that was not too much that it broke realism, instead, created just enough to keep the toy tight and dedicated to its job.

During the masturbatory act, I took a few select moments to glance down. Again, visual stimulation is often 60% of the enjoyment of the sex act and for me, seeing something as glorious as a hard penis sliding in and out of a vagina, the lips expanding and contracting as necessary can sometimes be the thing that sends me over the edge. Thankfully, I wasn't disappointed and the Real Feel Skin is truly as flexible as the most real of vagina's. By this point I was into full blown sex toy sex having and rather quickly I realized that I was on the verge of an orgasm. Pop! I was out of breath, my legs were shaking and I was impressed.

Remember how I mentioned the Fleshlight has a plastic outer shell? Well thankfully this shell also serves as a catch all and while sometimes it's fun to shoot for distance, I was pretty happy that this clean up would be quick and easy. Simply unscrew the cap which holds the sheath in place, head over to your tub or sink and wash away. The inner sleeve is open ended allowing for simple and easy washing as long as you are using water based lubrication. In about a minute the toy was clean as can be resting quietly on the floor air drying.

So yes, was the Tera Patrick signature series worth it? Fuck yes. However, remember, for all it's realism it's still a sex toy. The human body is a nice 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit and while yes, the guide reminds you to soak it in warm water to bring up its internal temperature, it doesn't hold that warm sensation for long. Perhaps warming lube might be a nice addition with this toy. However, that's really the only downside I could find on this sucker. So guys, if you need something to liven up your solo excursions or have a problem with carpel tunnel, I can't say enough good things about Fleshlight and their products. You will use this toy over and over. That is, as long as you don't mind exploring the lifeless side of sex. Seriously, it ain't half bad.

Hmm, lifeless. Perhaps I had sex with Tera last night after all...

 -- Brian Bangs