Review

After reading the synopsis I thought I knew what I was getting into. I braced myself for 2 hours of all sex, no plot, Alt-porno about “Southern beauties.” I should have dropped some acid or done some shrooms before watching, would have made it more interesting.

Like I said, I was prepared for a lack of plot, but I wasn’t prepared for good camera work and unenthusiastic sex. Like the first scene, taking place in a bathroom. Ok…dirty nasty sex in a bathroom with a stranger, this could be hot. The chick is cute enough, she’s wearing your typical southern slut garb and the guy isn’t bad looking and is sporting a cowboy hat. A dirty trucker hat might have been a better choice, more white trash and keeps with the general trashy theme of the “movie”. I was hopeful; I was thinking happy panty-moistening thoughts because the make-out scene was hot. Then the fucking begins and I begin to doze off. Dead face, no talking, hardly any noise and a vague interest in the cock that seems to be ramming her. I don’t know about you but I usually like my pornstars to at least pretend that they’re having a good time. I finally lose all control (and not in a fun way) when they switch up positions. She takes her boots off (I guess so she wouldn’t hurt the guy…lame) and leaves her white ankle socks on. I skipped to the next scene after that, I couldn’t watch any longer, I was laughing too hard.

Next scene can be describe and summed up in two words: circle jerk. A boring, slow, unexcitable and laughable one at that. The only one who made an effort to keep this scene sexy was the dude with the pierced dick. Way to go man for actually touching the chick and getting the only quotable line in the movie. “Don’t just touch it, fucking smack it.”

Don’t bother with the scene after the circle jerk, unless you can get off on making out in the car.

Halfway through the movie (I hope) and I’m wondering if any of these girls are allowed to have an orgasm. This is answered during the threesome at an abandoned house/construction site…where there are no workers. There is however lots of work going on outside, I’m guessing this by all the hammering and sounds of saws, which was louder than the moans of fucking. The only thing worth watching in this scene is the girl in the cherry bikini top (Regan Reese). She is actually into this dude, steals the scene and seems to be the first girl to cum in the movie. I believe I gave her a round of applause.

If you love watching oral, this scene is for you! (please say this in a cheesy game show announcer voice). I however wanna penis in the vagina. Don’t get me wrong, I love oral. But there is a certain point where it can be too much. Stop fiddling around and fuck already. I will give this scene much credit for being convincing. Both seemed to have a swell time, there is even a hint of dirty talk and some gasps and sighs of enjoyment! I however got bored and skipped to the next scene. I still wonder if he made he cum.

I confess that I didn’t read the cast list or pay attention to introductions at the beginning of the film, thus I was pleasantly surprised to be staring at Mika Tan, a favorite of mine. I became hopeful, excited and slightly aroused. This scene in an abandoned building is much more appealing, fun and interesting just because of Mika. Two things bothered me about this scene: the other Asian girl (Lystra), and the random dude standing against the wall watching for the first 10 minutes or so. While Lystra is a great job being adorable, licking Mika’s puss and fisting her, she was less appealing and excited to receive such pleasures. Mika seemed to make up for her lack of delight. Oh and they did eventually notice random dude and let him join

Finally! The last scene! And I must say, they saved the best for last. There was no playful making out, kissing and oral; Gia Jordan got down on her knees and got to work sucking some cock. The boning began early and lasted long and she was very much into it, thank God. Thumbs up for the dirty talk, name calling, choking, ordering around, hair pulling and hard fucking. This is what I was expecting from the movie.

Even though the last scene got me a little excited, overall, Suthern Cumfort left me underwhelmed and disappointed. I consider myself a girl who can get off to just about anything and who can get off easily. A delightful perk, but after watching 2 hours of this film I was bored and watched a G-rated children’s movie afterwards instead of breaking out one of my vibrators. If you’re into lackluster sex, girls dressed as white trash hillbillies, spending $20 for only 2 viewable sex scenes, and random dance scenes (yes, you read that right) go ahead and buy it. I’m just happy I was able to watch it for free.

 -- Miss Awry