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Review

From the director of The Fluffer comes this amazing soft-core epic comedy packed with waxed and pumped-up beefcake to please even the fussiest of you boys. We seldom get to see such genuine sex stars as Jason Adonis, Tag Eriksson and Josh Hammer in soft-core - so enjoy it! The dicks are hard, the sex seemingly endless and the boys breathtaking. Remember this is soft-core, no cum-shots, no penetration - but Wash takes us as far and as deep as we can go into The Hole.

This is porno pastiche on the scare-the-crap-outta-ya Japanese Ringu movies (and to a lesser extent, the American remake). West is a master story-teller, paying as much attention to script as to sex, and we begin with Hammer and Lang recounting the legend of a videotape that when watched will turn you gay within seven days. (In the original, you’d be dead within the week.)

Turns out Hammer and some buddies have already seen it (Huh? Did they rent it from some videostore?) during their stay at a hotel, and lo and behold, Hammer starts idolizing Judy Garland and watching Lifetime before our very eyes. Hammer tries watching cheerleader porn to no avail, but Lang’s erotic go-going soon gets him standing to attention. They kiss (Hammer watched the tape; what’s Lang’s excuse?) and launch into the first of the film’s amazingly vivid sex-scenes.

There’s a sweet little bit next where Hammer plays acoustic guitar, singing about the acceptance of his true Nellydom. It’s hilarious as he strums (without ever changing chords) though the poor lad is a little too gay-confused. It’s dykes that play guitars. The only other gay man who ever played was Montgomery in Fame, and even he got replaced in the TV spin-off.

A journalist, Swedish hunk Eriksson, pops up asking questions, heading to the hotel (the Duck Inn) and checks in to the same hotel room as Hammer did, finding the mysterious tape and watching it. The phone rings – “In seven days you’ll be gay”, a mysterious voice rasps.

Day One finds Eriksson visiting Hammer’s buddy Adonis, who tells of how he and fellow tape-watcher Tyson were affected too. [I was more intrigued by the fact that three “straight” jocks all shared one double room at the Duck Inn and began to suspect the tape was merely a placebo.] We flashback to Adonis and Tyson’s first night of full-on Dorothydom as the former “pussyhounds” discover that being gay “like, totally rocks, dude” by finding the nearest bed and getting to know each other biblically. Their sweet romantic nature comes through as both confess their love for each other, dude.

By Day Four Eriksson is discovering the girls in Hustler aren’t doing it for him any more, instead concentrating on the guys pictured with them (it’s how I started too). He fantasizes about a couple on the page, but as he beats his meat, the cameoing Hart keeps becoming the gorgeous (and famous-in-his-own-mind) Circuit Queen Killian, forcing himself on the slow-to-resist stud. But there’s still three days to go, so Eriksson finishes up before anything too interesting can develop. For shame!

Eriksson realizes he keeps seeing visions of a geodesic domed house (what, you mean Buckminster Fuller created the tape?) and breaks the news to “I’m-in-love-with-you” Hammer. The two track the house to Roswell, New Mexico on Day Six, discovering that its owner died in a mysterious fire during an orgy many years ago. [Damn those careless Roswell kids. Poppers and cigarettes should never be done at the same time!]

As the two explore the grounds they peer through a window, spying on Tucker and Holloway doing the nasty. Night falls, and the green room fills with mysterious naked masked guys. A major circle jerk and soft-core orgy ensues - the likes of which we've not seen before. All the while Hammer and Eriksson have been watching, finally knocking on the door to find Tucker dressed and ready to talk. [My first questions would have been, “Hang on, didn’t you die in a house fire twenty years ago?” and “You look well for someone with third degree burns, do you moisturize?” It seems that Tucker just looks like the home’s original owner and it’s a swingers club now; he’s not responsible for the videotape after all.

Rushing back to the Duck Inn, Day Seven dawns and Hammer seduces the “Maybe I’m not gay after all” journalist in the “We’ve-all-been-waiting-for-this” denouement. This scene is totally romantic, as deep-kissing leads to glorious scenes of love-making. Both studs sizzle like mad, and the log cabin better hope it has a sprinkler system. As they relax and celebrate their newfound love, Hammer romantically asks Eriksson to say something in Swedish. Alas, neither “Ikea” nor “Glockenspiel” are forthcoming.

I won’t ruin the obvious ending, but Professor Frou Frou and her 192 IQ sees that Wash is simply suggesting that even in this day and age, to get someone to admit their true feelings it still might take a magician’s sleight-of-hand - be it real or illusionary.