Review

As a kid did you ever send off for those Sea Monkeys? How you looked forward to seeing their whiskered little faces sharing a civilized pot of tea, gathered round the breakfast table, like they did in the ads. Remember how disappointed you were when what arrived in your mailbox were a couple of elementary school biology bugs? I hate to say it, but never build up your hopes that much. You’ll fall. I fell, or rather, I tripped over Marc Anthony.

"The biggest budgeted gay movie of all time" they boasted. I was hooked. I love their back catalog - not just for the hot-Euro-sex but also for their really bad dubbing. We all know that when it comes to Mansize (nee Private Man) if it looks like Tarzan, it’ll talk like Jane.

Filmed in tandem (i.e. they used the same sets) with Private’s phenomenally successful straight Cleopatra series of films, Marc Anthony delivers the sex, but not the "hilarious comedy" I was also looking forward to. Ok, it’s beautifully shot, packaged, edited and the sex is amazing (as usual for Private) but only nine performers?

But here’s the story: Cleopatra is told by her crystal ball (similar to the Wicked Witch of the West’s one) that the empires of Egypt and Rome must combine and she must produce an heir with Marc Anthony. Send for him! Bad news honey, he’s so flaming he couldn’t say DVD without a lisp. Bring forth the Euro-studs.

We open in Rome and Foz is desperate to splash something across boyfriend Anthony’s face, as he massages our hero (played by hunky, dark and sultry Perez) with his tongue. Both are gorgeous beyond us mere mortals, and their sex is passionate and deep-kiss heavy. Once that ass is well and truly eaten out and spit-lubed Foz slides up the Roman hero and fucks him like a Visigoth. The spooge flies and we cut to elsewhere in the city where Caesar (Volt) get’s horny when he hears of Cleo’s plans - the Roman Empire will expand. And so is something underneath his toga! Luckily Deny, a slave, is around to satisfy him. The slave tongue-bathes his master before getting that uncut meat dripping wet with saliva as he slurps the “rod of power” down his throat. Slaveboy finally fucks his High-Commander to a noisy climax that probably set Vesuvius rumbling.

Got me thinking that we all need slaves like that.

Anthony follows Caesar’s orders “for the glory of Rome” and arrives in Egypt complete with his pet asp Arthur. Cleo’s delighted but perturbed when she sees him eyeing up the palace guards. She gives the camera a quick “this might be problematic” look, but it falls flat. A simple trombone haw-haw would have got them rolling in the aisles.

Taking a solitary bath (and coming out of it oilier than when he got in) the guard he cruised (Blade) is easily seduced and is soon on his kneepads sucking the oily roman cock. Anthony returns the favor before spinning him around and splitting some Egyptian buns. But Marc’s a bottom at heart, and has a better time getting impaled on the guard’s own pork-sword. For a general who believed in the power of silence as a weapon (do your history) that bee-yotch sure does holler, attracting Cleo’s spying eyes. Well, the secret is out Cleo - and so is your husband. These arranged marriages never do work. “Oh my God, no!” she sighs.

Cleo consult Hocus Pocus, her personal sorcerer (where do they advertise?) played by Black Jack. He offers her a “go-straight” potion that sends our hero into a deep, deep sleep. This scene is pretty cool as Marc dreams he is seduced by a bunch of randy mummies (!!!) who feed him their cocks. (Wouldn’t they be dusty?) The mummies keep multiplying and soon there are five mummy-dicks that Marc is eager to sample.

I’d like to point out that two of these mummies are played by Volt and Jack - kinda confusing. Maybe a few of the models dropped out when they saw their outfits, or maybe the Screen Actor’s Guild has got strict laws when it comes to impersonating the undead.

Bandages and inhibitions are shed in a scene worthy of LaRue as Perez gives the dusty-dudes the best time since they got wrapped, with cocksucking skills that will soon be immortalized in poetry no doubt. Or at least a dirty limerick. I’m fully aware I’m downplaying how scorching this scene actually is, buy I can’t get over the whole “horny-mummy” concept. Best thing is, post-sex clean-ups a doddle - they guys come with their own handy-wipes! A complaint though: Can’t these guys keep hard? If a sorcerer can create a get-straight-quick elixir, then surely Viagra would be child’s play.

The finale of the scene finds Perez covered in the mummies white wee-wee, and he wakes up even swishier than before. He’s even dolling out beauty and design tips - how Queer Eye for the Straight Guy B.C.! “Oh my God!” surmises poor Cleo once again. (Just say “shit,” you dizzy bitch.) Oh well. Carry on Cleo.

Hocus Pocus is sent to collect Marc’s sperm - an easy task considering how simple it is to ride Rome’s biggest bike. Again with the oil, Hocus gives Marc a sensual massage that pushes all the right buttons. But all the sorcerer wants is his cum, so he sucks him dry and rushes to the Queen (Cleo, not Anthony), sperm safely stored in his mouth. She pats him on the back and predictably he accidentally swallows the stuff. “Oh my God!” she moans once again. And here I was thinking Egyptians had numerous Gods. Cleo honey, pick one and stick with it. Try the cat one.

Cleo is running out of ideas and time (I didn’t know women could calculate their time to barren-ness to the exact second) so she goes to make peace and admit defeat where she is accidentally bitten by Arthur the asp. I won’t miss the moaning strumpet. So you married a fag. So did Doris Day in just about every Rock Hudson movie, and she wasn’t bitter.

With Cleo taking the death-barge on a trip to some other astral-plain, Caesar congratulates Marc on Rome getting Egypt after all, and they want to celebrate. But how? Caesar reveals he wants to feel Marc’s “warm mouth around my big cock” in his badly dubbed Optimus Prime/John Wayne voice, so the two drop their togas and get sweaty while Suckalotacok (Casas) watches from the sideline. Tall, dark and head-dressed wants in, and the leaders are happy to oblige. Volt can just about suck two dicks at once but the horny guard makes it look easy. Guess it’s how he got his name. I’d love to have gone to that baptism! The trio pork like Egyptians each offering their asses for the other’s pleasure, in a slow scene that is totally hot,; the non-geographically-specific grunts they give are amazing. And finally they discover Viagra! The Roman Empire finally manages to rise! Cumshots. Fade-out. The End.

Editor's note: What follows reflects the 2-disc Collector's Edition only:
Luckily the bonus disc in the Collector’s Edition is terrific, packed fuller than a hookah pipe before Holy Day! Two extra scenes are from the brilliant Sword Master and the so-so Gay Culture, but there’s enough eye-candy in these twenty-minute five-guy cream-pies to keep your nuts low on supplies. And give me George Vidanov any day. Gorgeous doesn’t even begin to describe him!

The “backstage video” is a behind-the-scenes look that’s probably the funniest thing in the set. Yep, there are the obvious bloopers of mummies arseing around and walking into things but best of all is the narrator – a slightly effete northern-English guy who sounds like he’s doing it just for the Absolut-money. Think a male Bubble from AbFab and you’re there. Sadly none of the interviewed cast speaks English and I couldn’t locate the subtitle option so I couldn’t tell you what happened for its nine minute runtime. I found my mind wandering, trying to work out exactly how much baby-oil was used on set. Did it hike up the insurance premium? Someone could have slipped and broken something.

The photoset shoot is another fourteen minute un-subtitled look behind the scenes, with models Perez and not-in-the-movie Maxim quipping with a campy shutterbug, as women (gasp!) rub even more oil into the parts we don’t get to see during Church. Erotic. Greased up Eurotrash. Foreskins.

There’s a trailer, a pretty comprehensive photo gallery, useless production notes (flick through them stoned - it’s easier) model profiles (depressing to discover how many of these barrel-chested brutes are under 25) that list their back catalog and zodiac star-signs. Note to Private: It’s “Gemini” - not “Twins”.

And finally there are three photo-sets of scenes not in the movie: “Three’s Cum-Pany” with Lucas Foz, Kevin Kline and Micky; “Fuck Like an Egyptian” with Perez and Black; and “Power of the Sword” featuring Volt, Deny and Black. These three sets could have given this film a four-star rating if they actually appeared in the final cut of the movie!

Horny sex. Horny guys. Horny Mummies. Just not quite the epic I’d been expecting. And so endeth the history lesson. Next week, the riddle of the Sphinx-ter!

 -- Froufrou A. Gogo