Review

Okay. So, uh, I was just given a speculum to review. When it was handed to me, the fella specified that it’s an anal speculum. I suppose he may have worried that I’d mistake it for a nasal speculum, an oral speculum, an ocular speculum or an aural speculum. But no, I’ve watched two or three Gazzman movies. I’m quite familiar with anal speculums.

I mean, I’ve never, y’know, inserted one into anybody or anything, but there’s a first time for everything, right?

So, I’ll admit, it took me a good three or four hours to even get up the nerve to try and find somebody who would let me cram this thing into their butthole. I’m not the most popular gentleman in general, what with my horrible emotional problems and rank odor, and approaching a woman with an anal speculum certainly isn’t the best way to start off a relationship. Still, I thought I’d give it a try. So I walked over to the 7-11 across the street and asked the two girls in line if they’d be willing to try this thing out. I specified that I’m not a creep and I don’t want to actually have intercourse of any sort with anybody. I just need to get this small metal thing insterted into someone’s bung so they can let me know if it feels good or not. That’s not too much to ask, is it? I wouldn’t have thought so, but the response I got implied otherwise. They told me to fuck off and then sent their meathead boyfriends into the store from the car outside so that they could kick my ass. Which, I’ll admit, wasn’t a lot of fun.

After mopping up my blood at the insistence of the 7-11’s manager, I decided that I wasn’t going to find a lady to help me out with this. I mean, if 7-fucking-11 wasn’t the place to find some hot chick that wants a speculum inserted in her a-hole, I certainly wouldn’t know where else to look. I mean, I could try a bar, but then I’d probably have to buy a drink for somebody, which is something I’m vehemently opposed to.

So fuck it. I took the thing back to my home and crammed it in my own asshole. Sans lube.

It turned out to be a rather poor choice. I think if you’re unaccustomed to having anything inside your rectum, lube is pretty essential. Because this thing really, really hurt. A lot. I mean, this thing’s much smaller than my average poo so I wasn’t expecting any problems, but man oh man…I should’ve thought it through a little bit more. I’m guessing that a properly lubricated device might not cause so much pain, and could possibly provide a positive experience, but I can’t say for sure.

With that said, if you were into some extreme anal play and had lube, this would be an ideal addition to your canon of sexual devices. It's well made, looks amazing and does "spec" up that a-hole.

What I can say is that once I got it in there, I stretched my anus so far that you could throw a baseball into it. So I asked my neighbor to come over and chuck a baseball in, which he, as an incredibly rampant alcoholic, was more than happy to do. I’d post some pictures, but…you know…it was sort of gross. All in all, if you like experiencing medically induced gapes, this is the product for you. You fucking degenerate.

 -- MEAT BALL

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