Review

If you’ve got a yen for something yummy from the Far East, Van Darkholme might be what you’re craving. The Asian master with the deceptively Dutch name is pissed off, and he has no time for simpering white boys.

House of Detention takes you through the steamy underworld of sexual fetish, with Darkholme at the reins. Though Darkholme is somewhat unconvincing as a fearsome leather master, he is nice eye candy, and he has a bevy of sexy subbies at his disposal. The standout hottie in the crowd is Kalvoda, a beefy dark-blonde Czech superstud.

In scene one, titled “Leather,” Michaels and Mills are tied up, clamped, electro-shocked and generally teased by an irate Darkholme. But the master soon realizes that there are two hulking Czechs (Kalvoda and the darker Kolar) down in the dungeon just waiting to be played with - he prods, pokes and licks his Slavic slaves, before putting Kolar in a sling.

Kalvoda then dons a raincoat and slams his Czech mate’s stud-slit before stepping aside so that Darkholme can take his turn plunging Kolar’s pooper.

Next up is “Latex.” This scene really disturbed me, especially since I once wrapped myself in Saran Wrap for Halloween (I went as “leftovers”) and cannot shake the memory of the feeling of trapped sweat against my skin. Anyway, monochromatic whitey Mr. America is placed on what looks like an ironing board suspended from the ceiling, and is wrapped in plastic (Twin Peaks fans, take note). His wiggly parts are then clothespinned and manipulated. Ouch!

As if that wasn’t enough, our gorgeous protagonist Jirka is then placed in the scary latex vaccu-suck-o-matic. This handy contraption basically sucks all the air out around Jirka, leaving him sealed like a pressed ham. It’s utterly disturbing and weird, but I’m sure that someone will find this sexy.

And what Can-Am feature would be complete without nude men wrestling? The next scene, “White Jocks,” delivers the goods. You’ll watch two lengthy matches, one between Kolar and Scott, the other a three-way, between Michaels, America and Kalvoda. Poor America is the loser here, so he has to lay back and be penetrated by all the other men. Just like in the WWF!

Next, make room for “Water Torture.” That is, if you consider having a bucket of water thrown at you to be “torture.” That’s the soggy fate that befalls Darkholme’s t-shirt and brief-clad slaveboys. Oh, and they also have beer poured onto their butts. Now I don’t know what foot worship has to do with water torture, but that’s what happens next. First, Kalvoda has his Eastern European tootsies buffed with a pumice stone. Then his toes are sucked and then showered with manjuice from his fellow slaves.

In the film’s spooge-drenched climax, the boys turn the tables on the unsuspecting Darkholme. They tie their master down and then proceed to splatter him with their simmering sap. Darkholme takes it like a man, but eventually he gets works into such a froth that he’s forced to relieve himself through self-abuse!

 -- T.J. Maxxwell