Review

The notes on the cover art of The Spell spell it out thusly: "An evil curse... or subconscious desires unleashed?" I say it like this: "What the fuck is going on in this movie?" It’s been a long day and I can’t even follow the plot of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" right now - so I'm pretty much screwed if I'm gonna be able to work this one out.

The credits set it up to be quite PBS Mystery (think Sapphire and Steele) but then we have the following montage: Tarot cards, Ross in flannel pjs having a dirty dream, and a prison scene set where Vega and friend are getting it on. If you can work out what’s going on (I have an IQ of 192 and I drew a blank) please let me know. Answers on a postcard.

Vega is as gorgeous as ever, this time getting the foreskin manipulation from Taylor, who it would appear is supposed to be Ross in a dream state (as if to prove a point we get a quick insert of him getting the Vega experience).

So far so complicated. There’s a bit of plot next as Ross’ co-workers, Banner and galpal Kaya Moore grab lunch and get hassled by a crazy hobo (director Jeffries mandatory cameo) who keeps calling them evil, and Ross innocent. What-evvvverrrrr!

Turns out its all a bit witchcrafty as people start stealing hairs from brushes and photos. There are also Johnny Thrust’s regrettable tattoos in there too.

Here it starts getting ultra freaky as Williams seduces Ross whilst (I’m guessing in a parallel universe) Allen (dressed in leather) recreates their sex scene solo. It’s a great scene really - just way too Witches of Eastwick for me. But great use of food, oversized dildos and anal balls.

There are tones of plot up next, so fast forward to the “club” scene filled with the good and evil co-workers. It’s a pretty dire and quiet club, with no other paying customers: maybe it’s a Monday night. Large pinch of salt required next as Ross gets naked on the dancefloor with Dixon and Sizemore giving him a good old seeing to. I was equally interested to see his evil co-workers gawking with a mixture of amusement, bewilderment and intrigue. You’ll be doing the same. Wonderfully erotic - just don’t lose sleep over why it’s happening and how it’s connected to the plot! Lie back, loosen your belt and enjoy the scene complete with Missy Elliott rip-off chords.

But "Oh no" - "This isn’t a dream!" chirps Ross as he flees the nightclub naked. Cut to Donatella in bad gypsy drag; whom, like Clarissa, explains it all. Or does she? She mumbles something about there being no curse (or something) and then sits uncomfortably waiting for the cameras to stop rolling so she can have another éclair. Who cares, the credits roll anyway. Guess there’s gonna be a sequel. And I hope the sequel makes more sense! I want porn, not existentialism. Confusing movie. Great sex scenes. It won’t make you think, but it’ll make cold winter nights fly by.

 -- Froufrou A. Gogo