Review

Though the title recalls Margaret Cho’s favorite bar pickup line, there are no potty-mouthed Korean fag hag comediennes in site. This here is man country!

Let me begin by saying that I was pleasantly surprised by this flick. I must also give glowing praise to Michael “Third Arm” Brandon, who reaches the climax (!) of his porn career thus far with this film. To put it simply, he’s a total maniac. From start to finish, the man is a grunting, thrusting, spewing, dirty-talking sex dynamo, as he slams his titanic tool into any opening that comes his way. In fact, the vid's weakest scene is the only one that he’s not in.

So, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty, shall we?

The first scene is explosive, with blonde, goateed Porter in a sling, caressing his ultra-defined body, Brandon appears on the scene, and begins tongue bathing every one of Porter’s gazillion muscles. Porter then attempts to swallow Brandon’s poker, which is like trying to swallow a Scud missile. After Brandon gets his daily dose of ass-chow, he plugs Porter’s drain. Slam, slam, slam! Before you know it, jism is erupting, men are shouting with orgasmic glee, and everyone is happy.

The next scene is the weakest, although it’s still nothing to scoff at. Perennial favorite Sizemore receives a lengthy and spirited hummer compliments of the cock-crazed Pierce. Though the fellatio is inspired, the penetration which follows suffers from camera angles that linger a bit too long and become a tad tiresome. Actually, if this scene were in an average porn film, it would really stand out, but in a film where Brandon dominates every inch of the screen, it has trouble measuring up.

The sex machine is back on overdrive in the third scene, a blistering liaison between Brandon and Wolfe, who also turns in a white-hot performance. After slobbering over Brandon’s colossal crank, Wolfe bares his winking nubbin, which gets the bejesus pounded out of it. Wolfe growls, grunts and bleats like a crazed barnyard animal as Brandon goes to town, doing what he does best. Brandon’s climax here is slo-mo worthy: a multi-part orgasm that keeps on erupting like Mt. St. Helen’s in miniature. It’s also notable for its force - the expelled man-goo makes it all the way up to Wolfe’s head!

The final scene keeps up the pulse-pounding pace, with a wicked three-way between Brandon, Porter and Latin wonderstud Vega. The action kicks off with Brandon getting on his knees to service Vega’s hooded he-hammer. Meanwhile, Porter is in a large cage, watching the action. Brandon and Vega then shove their tools into the cage, where Porter hungrily services them.

Brandon then ends up in a sling, so that Vega might tongue his crapper and attempt to swallow a healthy portion of his meat. All along, Brandon is moaning at top volume. But the moans reach an even higher decibel level when Vega rams his Latin love pole into Brandon’s starfish. As Vega slams, Porter sucks Brandon, and it’s just total carnal chaos. Then it’s Porter’s turn to get in the sling, and Brandon gets to top once again. The scene’s climax is a real humdinger: Vega empties his cache on Porter’s puss, while Brandon erupts with another spellbinding multi-stage spew that really must be seen.

 -- T.J. Maxxwell