Review

Look who’s back! No, it’s not Slimshady, silly - it’s Ken Ryker! The square-jawed, hairy-chested, buffalo-hung uber-WASP is back on the blue screen, and he’s gonna show you what he likes to do with his pee-pee! In his first gay flick in five years, Ryker uses his colossal ding-dong to do some damage to several eager young rosebuds.

The opening scene is virtually Ryker-free. It’s a pool table fuckfest featuring Katt (shaved, hulking, behemoth) and Taylor (studly, smaller, lean). After Taylor wins the pool game, Katt has to sex him up. Most of the scene consists of Katt eagerly swallowing Taylor’s shmeckle and banging the unclean thoughts out of him. Along the way, Taylor takes a quick taste of Katt’s tool, and a tactile tour of Katt’s heavily muscled body. After a lengthy ass-slamming, the two scamps erupt. While all of this tomfoolery is going on, muscle-bound West is watching from the shadows, whipping himself into a sexual frenzy and subsequent orgasm.

To the refrain of a cheesy doctor’s waiting room soundtrack, Ryker appears in all his manly glory in scene two. Larson, an attractive brunette with a worked-out body, takes care of Ryker’s wondrous beef. Throughout the scene, and the movie itself, Ryker shows nary a flicker of emotion. Is he enjoying the sensation of a wet mouth slobbering all over his doodle, or does he find the experience personally degrading and morally reprehensible? We’ll never know.

Nonetheless, there is something sort of titillating about Ryker’s stoniness. Anyway, after Larson swabs his tonsils with Ryker’s ramrod, he offers up his heiney. Ryker takes the bait and sinks his battleship into Larson’s starfish. Larson erupts during the proceedings, but Ryker requires some testicular stimulation to do his thing. Overall, a fairly hot scene, but it really would have benefited from the inclusion of more sex sounds.

A barroom threesome is next on the agenda, featuring Rocky, Lopez and O’Hara. As Rocky watches, Lopez sucks on O’Hara’s plump pickle. Rocky then joins in the fun, taking over on O’Hara’s piece as O’Hara swallows Lopez’s hooded hole-pounder. Rocky then rims Lopez, before perching on O’Hara’s rod. As Rocky bounces merrily on O’Hara, he multitasks with some sucking on Lopez’s thang. The men switch up, with Lopez topping and O’Hara as the suckee. In a shocking turn of events, each achieves orgasm.

Ryker is back in the next scene, a threesome with Gabriel and Holloway. The action takes place on and around the titular “web,” a chain link contraption built for lovin’. These two muscular lads fall under Ryker’s spell, and find themselves taking turns with Ryker’s fearsome fuckstick. Gabriel then rims Ryker’s fuzzy bum, before Ryker turns around and nails Holloway’s crapchute. Here, we get to hear a variety of grunts, squeals and bleats, as Holloway’s rectum is turned into Ryker’s own personal rec room.

In the film’s final scene, Ryker takes a shower! After making himself squeaky clean, he sidles over to diminutive blonde Atkins, who proceeds to bravely swallow Ryker’s prodigious peter. Atkins is dwarfed by Ryker’s dick, which is roughly half the size of Atkins’ body. Fortunately, Atkins’ butthole is the same size as the Benelux nations, and it easily accepts Ryker’s titanic tool. Atkins then becomes a human shish kebab as he rides Ryker, before settling back into a more traditional missionary position. Atkins is rewarded for his efforts with a lovely facial.

 -- T.J. Maxxwell