Review

Grab your friends and prepare to be wowed (and a little unnerved) by this geriatric grope-a-thon. It's "Hee Haw" meets Pink Flamingos in Rural Erections, a certain-to-be cult favorite that you won't soon forget. A rogue band of what appear to be trailer park escapees (some of whom are so long in the tooth they have tusks) do unspeakable things to themselves and each other as you look on with an uneasy mix of horror and fascination. Imagine the guys from ZZ Top in about 20 years rolling around on the ground in a crazed sexual frenzy to get a pretty good idea of what’s going on here.

From the must-be-heard-to-be-believed title song to inexplicable flashbacks to the gold rush days of the 1800's, it's utterly stupefying. Keep a soapy washcloth handy, because watching this film will make you feel very dirty. Though some of the men appear to have been born after Pearl Harbor, there are a few choice oldsters who have eschewed nursing home life in order to suck doodle for cash. (Who cares about Social Security reform?)

You'll want to look away (but find that you can't) as long, scraggly beards, crooked teeth and time-ravaged bodies fill the screen. It's unsettling, it's nasty and it's very wrong. The undisputed nadir of the film occurs when Lednutz (a demented Grandpappy who looks like an ancient gold prospector) bounces up and down gleefully on a huge dildo as his centuries-old rectum taunts the viewer. Suffice to say, this scene is most definitely not for those with frail constitutions.

Just writing about it is making me feel icky.

Though peppered with slightly more mainstream scenes, the segments that feature the village elders are the real goodies. You may never get another chance to see anything like this as long as you live, so whip out that credit card and grab a few copies of Rural Erection right now. (It makes for a fabulously perfect holiday gift!)

To put it simply, Rural Erections is a four-star-worthy precious jewel of unadulterated hardcore kitsch that definitely needs to be part of your home video collection. I do want to give you a small warning though: This film may render all subsequent sexual experiences of the viewer to feel completely anti-climactic - to say the least.

 -- T.J. Maxxwell