Review

As I'm sure you can imagine, I was overcome with excitement when I brought the Rotator Masturbator home. Just look at the thing. It's a gargantuan sexual monolith that looks so space age and powerful that you'd think it was pulled right out of Gattaca or something. Having read all about it's impressive design and multiple speeds and rotation functions, this toy found itself squarely at the top of my list of "inanimate objects I want to fuck", even moreso than the Lisa Ann Fleshlight that also had waiting for me (which, as anyone who's sampled a Fleshjack knows, is really saying something).

So I got the thing into my house, as surreptitiously as possible since I didn't want to find myself forced to explain to my roommate or his visiting mother that the large parcel hidden under my arm was in fact not a bottle of high-end scotch but rather an elaborate cum-expelling device. Surely you understand.

I hurried to my room. I locked the door. I turned on some music (no idea how loud this thing is). I unzipped. I stroked. I lubed. I inserted and I pressed the on button. And that's when I felt...nothing?

Good god, what was happening here? I haven't looked forward to a toy this much since I learned of "Battle-Action He-Man" as a child. The idea that this toy might be a disappointment was almost too much for me to handle. Could the thing be defective? Could I be using it wrong, or...I hated to even consider it...did this toy just plain suck?

I gotta call it like I see it. Or feel it. Or, actually, how I don't feel it, in this case. I turned the toy on, I watched the beads start rotating and I stuck my dick inside, only to find that aside from a very faint vibration, I felt nothing. The flashing lights and the clear-cased rotating beads were all very cool to watch, and they put on one hell of a show, but this thing just couldn't seem to hack it when the time came to work my cock. I thought maybe there's just not enough friction, so I pushed myself in a little further so that I was poking against the back wall of the rotator. The upped the sensation a bit, but it made the toy slow down, as though it couldn't handle the pressure! Can you fucking believe that?

I'll say this. I've got an average sized dick. Not too large, not too small. Average. Perhaps...and that's the furthest I'll go...perhaps this toy works incredibly well if you happen to be endowed with a thicker-than-average shaft. Maybe the thing needs to be snug and tight with an absolute lack of wiggle room for it to work. But I doubt it.

Verdict: this toy sucks. Sorry.

 -- Maston Hammerman