Review

Honesty pays, so here goes nothing. Behold Roots of the 'Rican.

I’m English; I’ve only just moved here and haven’t seen a Latino movie before. (Apart from the Bjorn ones but those performers are simply oversized caricatures of what men are supposed to look like.) I’m talking real Latin Americans, the kind of which I’d only ever seen on Cops before. After watching this, I’m hungry for more, but I’m not au fait with the gringo lingo yet so don’t expect any mentions of pingas, papis or anything else that pepper the other reviews. And what’s a banjee boy? Does he play the banjo?

Why get a Latino-virgin to review this? Coz I’m bloody good. That’s why. Directed by LaMonte, who always gets the word ‘Rican in his titles, this is a professional amateur piece that looks like it had all of forty cents spent on it. But I come to praise, not bury.

Here’s a bunch of performers of all races, yet they all still manage to look street-tough, dirty and capable of slitting your throat if you gave them reckless eyeballs. OK, they look like they are doing it for the crack money. But if you are keen on mean you’ll like this. Altogether now: “Skinny Crack Whores, and I don’t care. The Master’s Gone Away!”

Actually I’ve thought of a joke. A horny man walks through Harlem and picks up a guy. The guy stops halfway through the encounter and says “Men pay handsomely for my favors.” The man sighs and flicks through his wallet “I’ve only got two bucks.” The trick frowns and replies, “Oh no, I haven’t got any change.” Baa-dum!

Get past the Colicovision titles and settle down to a story that’ll make you both hard and amused at the same time. When the credits fizzle out we are treated to a badly framed map of Puerto Rico obviously stolen from a neighborhood kid’s schoolbook. The voice over begins and the Latino-fan-man whets our appetite with the promise of “beautiful collages of multi-colored races coming together for mutual pleasure.” Stop giggling at the back of the class. He continues to deliver his history lesson as we all discover the Roots of the Rican.

Fade up to New York’s East Village and two Latinos and their black buddy (wearing very little for the middle of winter) chill out and examine the black guy’s Latino porn collection. All three look totally coked-up and the words “Cheech and Chong” spring to mind. The three flash their massive foreskinned wonders, working them in great close-up as Stoned Latino #1 goes down on his black buddy, who then turns him around to receive some anal attention. Stoned Latino #1 looks as if he’s hitting the pipe between takes, but you’d need it too if you were having an anal inspection from that Mamba! Racial stereotyping at its best next as the black guy shoots (amazingly) then leaves his pals to go see “Ma bitch and get sum real pussy. Peace!” Stoned Latino #1 complains that he never got a blow job (by reading straight off the idiot boards) so Stoned Latino #2 has a quick go before they both jerk off. When these two (lets not beat about the bush here) ugly fuckers cum, they cum everywhere.

Our history lesson continues with a Caribbean feel. Cut to two black guys saying that Ricans are too easy to beat at ‘ball. “Basketball’s our game,” one says. And the two inverted racists discuss big Latino pricks descended “from the black man.” Our card-carrying Black Panthers see how each measures up. Big black uncut meat. Enough said? They tweak each others nipples, dock foreskins (always rare and good to see) before embarking on a sixty-nine suck-marathon causing the two to spew their love-lava. End on a hilarious conversation: “I got seventy-five percent black blood and twenty-five percent Latin blood” one says. The other calms him, “I don’t care how much Latin blood you got in you, you got enough black blood for me, baby”. If white people talked like this they’d be burned at the stake.

Light-skinned Latin buddies use a broken vase “that was for ma muvva!” as an excuse to rip each other’s clothes off. “I didn’t realize you had an earring in your tit,” one says. “The bitches like it, you know” the other replies. That and your pec tattoo saying ‘Cocaina’ I’m guessing. As a payback for breaking the priceless vase (sentimental value only) he has his pubes shaved - “just tell yo girl you got the crabs” - before he’s soaped down in the shower. That shaved super-sizer is too appealing, and the two fuck noisily in the kitchen, hot tamale finally spilling everywhere.

A cute Algerian guy showers before getting busy with his streetwise blatino homie, Hot Ice - must be the woolly hat. After some empowering “brother” speech Ice gets a great blow job that makes both shoot like Old Faithful. Then he heads off back to the shower.

A United Nations display next as black, Latin and white get naked (why?) and compare dick sizes. Obviously black Rocco is the biggest, followed by skanky Suerte and every white guy hangs his head in shame. A fun quick blow-job daisy-chain before Rocco is left alone to jerk off that massive uncut darkmeat, whilst delivering a filthy monologue. Shame the white guy didn’t get fucked in an allegorical punishment for being representative of the oppressors, but this movie ain’t that political.

The v/o tells us the joys of mixed race relationships and I totally agree - I’m half-Irish half-Jew, whole homosexual, but his use of the word "inter-breeding" made me shudder, as if I’d just heard the words "eugenics" or "final solution."

The final scene has Stone Latino #1 returning for a fun threesome that proves all races can get along and live in harmony. (Though apparently, Asians don’t have a place here.) Latino #1 looks like he’s just come out of rehab and it’s done him some good as he munches down on both black Dono Cotano’s Godzilla dong and muscular Latino Dorado’s foreskinned delight. Both fuck his face before Dorado unleashes his spray and goes, leaving Cotano to put some black power up his buddies’ ass, causing our Latino lover to gasp with joy. Both cum in torrents, and with that the movie ends, all racial tensions solved with this one porno. Don’t mock. It’s how they got rid of Apartheid.

The three star rating is for the sheer audacity of it all. You’ve got to see it. Doesn’t shy away from acne scars, and did I see tracklines? Hilarious dialogue badly performed by guys who constantly eye the camera. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll think of Ed Wood.

 -- Froufrou A. Gogo