Review

I never saw the first three of these videos; different vignettes filmed by five different directors, on location at All World’s resort complex, but judging by their reviews they sound great. So what the fuck happened with this one?

We start with an extended ad for the resort (kinda relevant I guess) as a guy speeds to his car (Run Forrest, run!) stripping along the way. By the time he hits the resort he’s naked and goes straight for the pool. Maybe he’s being chased by killer bees. Cue the spiel about gyms, bedrooms, continental breakfasts and gift baskets, before we get to the interesting parts of a nature ramble past a mini-waterfall, sling and what looks like glory holes drilled into recycling bins.

Maybe I will pay a visit after all, except I know the day I go all the muscle studs will be on strike and they’ll just be overweight cat-lovers from Jersey.

So, on to the video. We start in the gym, and Rafael’s inventive camerawork hides the fact that it’s just two bits of equipment and a rack of dumbbells. Latino hunk Tino Lopez is orally explored by Tanner. Tanner’s eyes pop out of their sockets as Lopez feeds him his burrito with extra hot sauce. You can tell how bored I was with this scene because I found myself picking out continuity mistakes and stray crewmember’s arms (extreme left as Tanner goes to lie on the bench press). I also noticed that the wall needs a new coat of paint.

Chi Chi’s scene is up next and I guess she OD’ed on the continental breakfast because this scene is pretty atrocious too. Cut straight to a CU of a hairy crack being tongued - it’s Evans getting attention from Ashe. Evans is an impatient, greedy S.O.B. and wants stuff up there as soon as possible, including Ashe's tongue, fingers and his own dick. Chi Chi is a dirty cow and for that I sort of like this scene; Evans’ being incredibly verbal, too. You’ll wonder where Ashe got all those tattoos from (English readers may recognise the woodland scene on his back as infamous cruising ground Hampstead Heath) and in the background we see two guys (Richards and Studdnuts – if that is his real name) watching and j/o-ing but not sadly participating. Ashe is the tattooed lady in this scene, which ends far too quickly for my liking.

It’s Chad Donovan’s turn with the camcorder next as Knight leaves his room and wanders through the nature trail; the sling is occupied by two old bears and the recycling bins are also in use, so he decides to try Kole instead. The two make out in front of the lobby’s faux-log-fire (guess they were discreet enough not to disturb those checking-out) passionately kissing, before the two flip flop, shooting everywhere noisily (Knight goes over his own shoulder). It’s left for the poor immigrant maid to have to clean up.

Mike Donner films Bond jerking on an armchair before he is joined by Marsalla (possibly offensive Japanese writing on his arms) and Johnson who dive straight on to him. This hot scene is complimented by Wells (who happened to be staying at the hotel at the time). The four daisy chain before memorably fucking (the tops, Bond and Marsalla, have such a good time they trade bottoms) all to the delight of holidaymakers gawking through the windows (is that really Jean Reno peeking from behind the curtain?), but these hilarious onlookers totally detract from the eroticism. And they are kept behind “police caution” tape! At least the hoteliers put down a duvet to cover the carpet. And when Johnson’s Johnson spews, it’s like a geyser!

Finally, the O’Brian’s effort is set in a steam room with no steam (well, it would mist up the lens) as Ryan’s big dick grabs Foxx’s attention. Plenty of kissing and a lot of genuine appreciation between these two guys. Foxx’s dark balls slap against Ryan’s pert backside causing him to spurt all over his sixpack. When the response comes, it’s worth it - jizz goes everywhere. A good end to a pretty poor offering.

I so wanted this to be a great video. But I was disappointed. If I rewrite this as a puff-piece, can I get a free ticket and complimentary whore of my own choosing?
-Froufrou A. Gogo