Review

Anchor’s (and cock’s) aweigh! Chi Chi LaRue has assembled a mouth-watering assortment of chiseled muscle hunks and lean twinkie studs for this cock-throbbing, cum-stained, gay-cruiseship-at-sea sextravaganza.

We begin on land, as Blake Harper teases Jackson Price with his ample cock and proceeds to face fuck him. After some spitty rimming, Blake grinds Jackson’s raw hole before strapping on latex and pounding him properly. Blake delivers his creamload all over Jackson’s ball sack and gaping butt hole, then finger-prods Jackson to orgasm.

Alas, after throwing a post-coital hissy fit, Jackson kicks Blake out of his apartment, but not before Blake snatches a shiny ring from the boudoir. The ring, which is used as a clumsy running motif throughout the movie, belongs to Jackson’s live-in lover Logan Reed, who’s understandably miffed at the ring’s mysterious disappearance. No time to bicker, though, for the lovers are off to the pier to hop on board a swinging gay cruise ship. As coincidence would have it, Blake is also aboard, and he’s wearing Logan’s ring.

We follow the ring to the ship’s laundry, where dreamy stud pup Matt Summers is sniffing freshly sweated jocks. In comes his delicious caramel-skinned coworker Victor Rios and Matt promptly chows down on Victor’s uncut meat. Some voracious rimming ensues, during which Victor fucks Matt’s pert ass with his tongue, fingers and, naturally, his fat cock (that is, after teasing his hole with his bare shiny knob). Victor slam-fucks Matt, who quivers and wriggles violently while blowing his load. Victor then gushes his thick salty juice all over Matt’s cute puppy-dog face.

In the next scene, uniformed and goateed steward Enrico Vega serves frisky passenger Nino Bacci a drink followed by his hooded trouser snake. As Nino munches down on Enrico’s excess foreskin and sucks hard on his bulbous ‘nads, the fluctuating wall of distracting noise meant to suggest the surf outside the porthole competes with the generic disco-porn muzak. Nino and Enrico - who’s stripped down to nothing but his uniform bow tie - slurpily munch on each other’s ass whiskers. Nino gets a thick facial and then pumps himself off while burying his face betwixt Enrico’s spread ass cheeks.

We then join an orgy up on deck, already in progress. Nearly a dozen hung hotties join the flirty squirty fun, which includes some full-throated cocksucking, some tight ass pounding and rivers of gushing cum.

It’s hard to keep track of exactly who’s stroking and poking who here, but there are plenty of memorable highlights. Grizzled stud-fuck Jason Branch, using his slickery cock as a spit, makes adorable Corey Summers his ass-kabob. Versatile Corey then slips Spike his stiff cock from astern. Versatile Spike then shoves his massive ween into Jackson’s tight chute, and with each out-stroke we can see some of Jackson’s stretched pink o-ring peeking out for air.

For the orgy’s climax, Spike is slathered with everyone else’s creamy jizz, then pops a splattery geyser of his own (though the unflattering head-on camera angle aimed into the arc of Spike’s mighty spurt short-changes its impressive trajectory).

The ring subplot kicks into high gear and, in a cheesy twist I won’t cheapen further by spoiling for you, it winds up in the possession of hairy beefy daddy Barry Barrett. We finish as Logan is reunited with his precious heirloom and gets it on sweatily with Barry. They peel off their tight denim jeans and lick and suck and rim each other till they mutually goo.

Some laughable acting notwithstanding, Chi Chi’s Pillage & Plunder: The Movie is a surefire spurt alert, technically proficient and brimming with enough tasty dick to delight the most cock-starved meat lovers. And there’s enough foreskin here to construct a life-jacket (or a lifeboat if you rub it hard enough).

 -- Beef Stroganoff