Review

My mind's not made up about Lucas Kazan yet. Half of me thinks he’s a genius (Hotel Italia was fabulous) and then something goes wrong and convinces me he’s a huge pile of cat droppings: the butchered softcore Cavalleria Rusticana deserved to be condemned to Hell, never to darken my eyes again. Yes, his films can be hit or miss, but L’Elisir D’Amore is definitely a hit. Especially if you’re an opera queen.

“It’s a homage,” my friend said when we sat through it. Well, tough shit, homage is just another word for rip-off. I’ll explain in an easily digestible (though probably incorrect) sentence. L’Elisir D’Amore is a Donizetti opera, about a charlatan medicine-man selling the synonymous Elixir of Love to a lovesick Basque peasant and fooling everyone.

I think that’s it; Hey, it's opera, who cares what they sing, I can’t understand it. Well, Kazan loosely uses the story, characters and the entire score, updating them for the gay porn generation. Hey if you want to get opera to the masses an easier way would be to lower ticket prices. Just don’t convince yourself that this film is High Art! Don’t be scared off by the music - you’ll recognize the tunes from loads of adverts and the occasional Queen song.

Anyway, you know the score. Nine twenty-something Italians - gorgeous, muscular, uncut, gorgeous - do the deeds for us. Some familiar faces – Foz especially – here asking “who will teach me the ways of love?” (Might I recommend Dr. Ruth? But if it’s just sex you want I’ll gladly teach you a few things. Did you know I can lick my own eyebrows?) Great cinematography, great lighting. Blah blah blah, like you care. You wanna hear the filth!

Foz and Romano kiss passionately in beautiful Italian sidestreets but the voice-over tells us (thank heavens the subtitles are spelt correctly) it’s all fantasia. In reality Foz (playing the Nemorino character) is a nebbish four-eyed shyboy tourist who admires from afar. And Romano (playing the Adina character - here male and called Aldo) is far too busy with the pretty boys to notice him. OK, what do you do when you are being stalked by a vacationing geek? Run like fuck, but make sure he buys you expensive gifts first!

Needing “ill-advised” release he wanders into a sexclub. That wasn’t in the original, believe me! Suspend your disbelief with the sex club. It’s just a blue background with a row of prison bars - but hey, it’s art, innit! In there Foz spies Cage (in a cage) roughly facefucking Michele Luppo between the bars. I’d like to add right now that there was an English serial killer in the early eighties called Michael Lupo so this guy really needs to change his name.

Both rudely ignore our four-eyed hero and get down to some buttfun. Coverstar Cage keeps pounding his lover’s mouth and the accompanying piano music goes berserk, before turning round and having a great rimjob. Cage shoots, and the two trade places, Luppo’s bright red cock shooting pretty quickly. But Kazan trained with Kristen Bjorn and one cumshot is never enough! Cage fucks his buddy right in front of poor frustrated Foz.

Luckily Bulsara sees Foz’s inner-beauty, removing his specs in a great “why, Miss Jones, your beautiful” shot. Bulsara throws the specs to the floor. The floor! I’d have punched the fuck out of anyone who did that to me. Do you know how much those things cost these days? Check out Foz’s eyes. They look like deer caught in headlights.

The two others depart in a huff, which is a shame because a foursome would have been great, but they’d cum twice and after seeing the unfortunate amount of brown lubey cooze-ooze after Cage pulls out, maybe it was for the best. Foz is shy and doesn’t even kiss (major turn off for me but quite sexy here) panicking as Bulsara unbuttons his shirt to reveal an amazing body. Bulsara orally works his inches in a wonderfully electric-charged sequence that had me seriously considering moving to Italy. Foz gets off so much on the blowjob his shyness evaporates and offers his ass to the gorgeous hunk of Italian lurve. Guess they are having a great time because they flip-flop (way to break your holiday lull Foz!) and the cum drips everywhere.

Mammoth uncut cocks and pints of jizz, who could ask for more? But you’ll get it!

The seduction scene is great. (Queen fans take note: you’ll recognize ‘Who Wants to Live Forever’.) Foz is intensely beautiful and his cock is drenched with Italiano-spit, so much that it’s dripping. Both come again. Foz then fucks him like a bunny rabbit, the lube streaming down his butt cheeks like so many operatic tears (see, I can be opera-queeny too) Bulsara cums on Foz and pisses off. Was it something he said? But I wonder if he’ll kiss now?

Back to the story and Foz is still pining for Romano. Love fucks you up, I guess, because Foz can’t understand that he’s dating someone else. Foz wonders if they are “more than friends, lovers?” and it’s definitely the latter because Romano and Salieri (playing the Sgt. Belcore role - like Sgt. Bilko only with pecs) are getting up to things I wouldn’t normally do with my friends! The stable set love scene starts with heavy kissing, progressing to cock sword-fights, the type you’ve seen in every one of Bjorn movies. En guard! Two identical huge uncut cocks attached to two identical muscular bodies merge as Romano takes his lover up the ass, before stopping, sucking, shooting and fucking once more. Shame that Romano pulls so many odd faces whilst he thrusts. I’m sure Foz would get off him if he saw.

Moany old Foz can’t get Romano out of his mind. He imagines him and his buddies sitting around in their underwear. Ferri and the sexy Saleni fantasy fuck. It’s left to the poor old passive Ferri to do all the work here, first sucking lie-back-and-look-beautiful Saleni’s salami to orgasm, before climbing aboard and riding away. This leads to some very funny face-pulling as Ferri contorts his mouth the exact way that Imhotep did when he released the plague of locusts in The Mummy. Still, when the light hits Ferri just right his body looks great. And the scene is hot! Saleni gets covered in love-batter.

It’s Foz’s last day in Italy. He’s gotta get Romano - dammit! Never mind breaking up an already happy couple, let’s not go there. Foz visits Dr. Dulcamara for advice (it’s in the opera, too). The doc hands our stroppy hero a love potion. Now, I definitely would not touch anything that a ‘doctor’ who hangs around the docks advertising his wares with a hand-painted sign made from the inside of a cereal packet gives out, but that’s porno-logic for you. Foz drinks it, finding himself “dizzy, but bold” (no doubt its absinthe) and stumbles across the beach. Low and behold, Romano catches his eye!

Off come the dodgy glasses and the two proceed to fuck everywhere - the beach (eww, sand gets trapped in foreskins); the hotel pool at night (what would the other guests say?). Anyway, there’s enough passionate kissing, cocksucking, jerking, fucking and multiple orgasms to fill the screen for the remainder of the running time.

Foz heads home the next day, never seeing Romano again. I’m not surprised though. He left his specs on the beach; I’m surprised he can see anyone! Well hung Foz is very sexy - shame his character is such a lame-o! Still Dr. Dulcamara gave him confidence. Chicken soup for the porno soul!