Review

Dr. Gregory Darvis Reporting:

To my fellow doctors, my followers of “that line between pleasure and pain”, and my devoted patients, slaves and fans: THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO GET THE NEW YEAR OFF AND RUNNING!

I have just received the newest ‘body clamps’ equipment from The Stockroom, Inc., and sadly have to report that this new nipple ‘clipper’ is not worth the effort or the money.

In other words, this report will be short and direct. These “Mandible” body clamps, expressively used on my patients’ nipples during a full physical exam is a feeble excuse for getting a patient ‘up and ready’ for more important ‘adventures and tests.

Concerning this product:

Made of “a powder-coated, chrome-plated brass” (the clamps measuring approximately 2 inches long by 1 inch wide when closed), the Body Clamp feels and looks more like a play toy, feeble and innocent, certainly not the type of device a doctor uses to test the intensity of a clamp on a patient’s nips! One wants to hear, “Oh Doctor Darvis, I don’t think I can manage.... OUCH” but instead one gets, “Doc, you’ve got to be kidding?!” The instructions state that you might want to use this cheezy piece of dangling metal on your patient’s (or date’s) tongue or testicles so that you might lead your partner around to (and I quote) ‘do your bidding’. Chills and thrills for the boi? no way!! Just a few good laughs before you attach some real ‘fender benders’ and forget this piece of junk! “.... a patient’s tongue” with this puny powder-coated piece of junk? Doc Darvis says, “NO WAY” These instructions include obvious suggests for any doctor or teacher. Is the doc applying this nip-entertainment just brain-dead or what?

The product is made in China. Picture a small factory of Chinese workers making and packaging this Body Clamp, and thinking “What the fuck?” Plastic clothes pins work more effectively on a patient’s testicles, look and feeling much more effective after entire body areas are covered with such pins and the patient ready for a solid invasion of that finest of exam tools: Metal Worx Curve

Mandible Body Clamps gets an F- from this Doctor of Experimental Proctology! PS: the package’s statement concludes with “for novelty use only”. Yeh, sure!

 -- Dr. Gregory Darvis