Review

Jeez Louise, it’s been a long night. It’s 4am. I’ve been reviewing porn for over sixteen hours and I’m still surrounded by piles of tapes that need quality critiques, and if I don’t produce them, I’m in so much shit I might as well change my name to Leon the Pig Farmer. Me sleepy. Zzzzz…

(Frou Frou falls in to a deep sleep. It’s not a k-hole this time. In an Elves and the Shoemaker style plot-twist, the Philadelphia branch of NAMGLA - The North American Man Gnome Love Association - happens to be passing, takes pity on poor sleeping Ms. A. Gogo and loads up the next title.)

A Gnome writes:
It gives me great pleasure to sit through this, Ikarus’ Spain-Switzerland based title featuring the welcome return of many of your favorite performers. Gnomes know what’s good for you. We don’t spend all day in the bowels of the Earth without similar forms of enjoyment! It’s mandatory that a gnome masturbates at least three times a day, less the world be torn asunder releasing demons from their fiery torments, the enslavement of humanity the only thing on their twisted minds.

I’ll forgive the human need to put credits on everything (we gnomes are all simply known as Gnome - a bit like the Smurfs only not so fucking piss-poor) and watch as two friends waltz through Swiss streets on their way to a sexshop - or a gnome-pleasure-oriented-boutiquette as we call them. As they enter, a bearded man exits, mounts his bike and speeds away. The director doing a Hitchcockian cameo or poor innocent bystander outed to his entire family? Poor confused human didn’t even buy anything. All that notoriety for nothing.

Inside we get a few uncalled for but welcome displays of rival video tapes: I spy with my gnome eye a few Cadinots and a couple of Jocks Pacs. Who should be browsing but none other than Kramer, that mop-topped doll from Spanish Fantasy, which, conveniently enough, is being sold at that very store. Enter Chekow and Walker who pick up the tape and take ages to realize that the guy on the cover happens to be right next to them. There’s no dialogue, so you are spared all the tawdry, “Yes it’s me. They paid us in straw donkeys and castanets” lines. Whatever they say seems to work gnome magic because Chekow is tonguing Kramer within moments before all three get naked there and then. Won’t the shopkeeper mind? Ahh yes, he’s from Switzerland. They’re always neutral.

After their scene, which features repeated cum-shots (or I was developing gnome-Alzheimer’s or maybe having a gnome-LSD flashback) Kramer pulls Walker aside. Kramer relates (in English no less) the filming of Spanish Fantasy and we flashback to yummy Dvorak taking a shower before enjoying a solo jerk-off. I’m feeling slightly gnome-cheated as this was obviously the first of a series of deleted scenes that pad out this movie. It’s erotic and Dvorak knows how to work the camera but this video shouldn’t be a recycle bin!

Next-up there’s another tacked on jerk-off, this time from Svarc - this is one gnome who’s reaching for the fast-forward. Luckily I stopped in time to see Halik and Cerny. If this was cut I wonder why, because their soapy shower antics are quite sexy. Cerny sucks his uncut buddy to climax and the manbatter never seems to end.

The next flashback features Kramer and blonde Svarc on the villa terrace. These two comfortable performers have great gnome screen-presence and gnome-chemistry, each exploring the other’s body with mouths, tongues and hands. Kramer is seduced into bottoming and enjoys the experience before the two flip-flop and Kramer finishes them both off, dripping with sweat sex as he does.

Casting my gnome-memory back to Spanish Fantasy I recall a comment where someone “missed the plane”. Turns out the performer decided not to be in the film, but obviously some test-footage was shot, presented here. Well, the daft sod shouldn’t have signed the release forms! Koudelka and Kramer make out atop a bar before we dissolve to them in the shower. Both drip with water as Kramer is the first to swallow both his pride and his partner. Koudelka takes over briefly and soon both uncut cocks have been worked to orgasm.

Storytime is over as Chekow drags Walker and Kramer to “The Crazy Club” which is essentially a sofa on a raised stage where guys are already getting it on. Please don’t tell me that what they are doing is the human “romantic slow dancing”? It’s too ghastly for my delicate gnome stomach.

Kramer has already scored and enjoying himself with identical twin (all you humans look alike to Gnomes) Ferrara; Morand and d’Angelo to the left of them, Chekow and badly bleached Torchele to the right. It’s all romantic (and deathly dull) till Walker comes along in bondage gear carrying a whip. Things should be looking up, gnome-rific! Alas not. Ferrara and Morand are the first to lose all their clothes but it’s left to Chekow to suck dick first; his recipient: Walker. Torchele joins in, chowing down on that foreskinned wonder before everyone else remembers that they are in a porno film. Ferrara demonstrates his oral technique to Kramer, whilst Torchele is spitroasted by buddies Chekow and Walker (what a team). But they shoot too quickly and with that depart the gnome horizon.

We are left with cross-cutting sequences between bottle blondes Morand and d’Angelo, and brunettes Ferrara and Kramer. Morand and a’Angelo look suitably punky with huge cockrings, piercings and tattoos everywhere. D’Angelo is on his knees slurping cock before the whole thing becomes too confusing - people inexplicably swap partners mid-edit. Hurt my poor addled gnome mind.

Still, Ferrara sucks Morand better than d’Angelo did (or so it would appear by the swelling). Morand then fucks d’Angelo who is far too Eminem looking for my gnome tastes, Ferrara then licks out his hole before he too is fucked by the blonde one, and the Gnome Lord only knows what happened to Kramer during this bit. He simply disappeared! Maybe the evil gremlins kidnapped him.

Not the best human skinflick I’ve ever seen. Two bad sex scenes and a bunch of tacked on extras a porno does not make. Buy it as a companion piece to Spanish Fantasy. For completion’s sake.

And with that, I bid you a fond gnome farewell. Farewell.
-Gnome

Zzzz… where am I? Who wrote this review? And what the fuck? I’ve got what looks like goblin-spooge all over my hair. Where the fuck did that come from? Jesus! Dirty bastards!

 -- Froufrou A. Gogo