Review

Liberal use of the Colt Power Drill Balls certainly won't help to alleviate allergies or anything else that ails you, but once "applied" you won't care - you'll be feeling grand.

Dr. Gregory Darvis here, reporting from the TLA Sexuality Institute's alternative clinic, the Darvis Experimental Proctology Institute. Allergy-season is upon us, but for those of you suffering we offer something to take your mind off itchy eyes and transfer that "pain" to itchy sphincters and an aching, smiling anal canal. Yes, I can attest to the fact that the Colt Power Drill Balls can make my patients' eyes pop out once inserted up the butt, can make chills run up and down any erect penis, and make even the seasoned butt traveler shout, "No problem here, Houston."

Here are several reasons why I recommend a prescription:

1.) The rubber anal tool, a series of eight "spiral spiked" balls with a Size Kindergarten" at one end graduating up to "Size Academy Award Winner," is approximately eleven inches long, not including the round rubber handle I found useful for yanking it out of my patient's highway and give him the thrill of his life. (Yes, some patients do beg, "Please, Doc, not again" which translates in my book of knowledge as "Take this Round Two, fucker..."

2.) The ribbing (or "spikes" depending upon the mood of one's patient) is part of the rubber design. No need to worry about a missing spike or two up any butt; it's all part of the design. There's no packaged statement suggesting the best lubricant for success, but I use, here at the anal clinic, lubes of a wide variety: Ben-Gay, Vaseline, Crisco, and in the case of one trucker, some crank-case oil.

3.) When not in use, this perky object looks great hanging from one's Christmas tree, or as a fascinating surrealistic object for one's Nativity Scene.

As a professional experimental proctologist, I'd recommend the Colt Power Drill Balls be saved for office parties, fraternity initiations, group therapy, etc. Of course one can manage to insert this as a solo event, but it is much easier to get the full effect when yours truly is in residence and ready to make you smile at both ends.

 -- Dr. Gregory Darvis