Review

Two filthy rich stepbrothers - one a notorious tramp and the other a jealous, manipulative cunt - make a wager over the corruptibility of a virginal twink. If this sounds vaguely familiar, that’s because the story here plays fast-and-loose with the sordid plot points of Cruel Intentions, the trashily enjoyable Ryan Phillippe drama that, as every card-carrying cocksucker knows, is a riff on Dangerous Liaisons.

Luscious Tony Donovan, sporting a big dick, a buff body and a ubiquitous set of braces on his teeth, plays Sebastian (the Ryan Phillippe part). Hung blonde gym queen Chad Donovan is his creepy half-sibling Christopher (a bitchy-fag twist on Sarah Michelle Gellar’s role). Cute, baby-smooth Brad Benton is Andrew, the fresh meat who’s never been plucked (a homo version of Reese Witherspoon’s knee-locked priss).

We open as Sebastian reminisces about his heated encounter with his shrink’s lover, Tyler (Evan Taylor). They trade slurpy blowjobs in the back seat of a moving limo, then Sebastian shoves his thick throbbing hard-on between Tyler’s tight quivering buttocks.

Next, we see duplicitous Christopher lure a tasty, hung frat boy (Matt Spencer) back to his pad, where a hidden Webcam broadcasts their encounter live all over the Internet. Their heated sixty-nine leads to some fierce ass drilling, as Christopher plows deep into the sexy fratboy’s smooth heinie. Both spray messy wads of boy milk.

Then, to gather some blackmail material, Sebastian secretly films some sunny pool-side fucking between muscle top Jake Armstrong and hunky bottom Drew Larson (playing a Senator’s closeted son).

Over at the gym, Sebastian and Christopher’s young houseguest Chance (adorable Lark Larson - who looks about an hour or so over 18) gets it on with his buff, manly personal trainer, Greg (Clay Maverick). Chance swallows Greg’s stiffened throat-poker like a champ, and they both end up tossing off together.

Meanwhile, Sebastian and Andrew frolic through the requisite love montage, then go back to the green room to fuck. Rarely has a staunch virgin so readily given it up: Andrew gets his first rim job while wedged in the circular portal in front of an aquarium, then gets the two-finger-heinie-poke. Cut to Andrew riding Sebastian’s wide rock-hard cock all the way to the hilt, and before he knows it, Andy’s popped his first creamy nut with someone else.

Bye-bye, virgin. Hello, cock-slave.

A few starchy plot twists later, it’s time for dastardly Christopher to get his comeuppance. Studfuck-for-hire Max Grand treats Christopher like his bitch while, unbeknownst to the bitch, his own hidden Webcam broadcasts the smutty debauchery live all over the Web.

Technical aspects are superior, with the stylish sets and sumptuously photographed outdoor sex scenes elevating the production value into the higher echelon of big-budget porn. Further, the guys are all simply delicious and most of are packin' some weighty meat.

So why, then, does Carnal Intentions fall somewhat short of hitting its mark? Well, partly it’s because none of these guys demonstrates the acting chops needed to pull off the scenario convincingly. But mostly it’s because the filmmakers have so rigidly - and humorlessly - followed the structure of Cruel Intentions that they’ve allowed the sweaty, juicy fuck scenes to get drowned out by the increasingly laughable histrionics of the plot. Yes, Sebastian still croaks after a freak accident, but not before professing his undying love for Andrew in the hospital, yada, yada. Which begs the question: since most viewers want only to get off, didn’t anyone realize that it’s a major buzz-kill for a character to get offed in a porn flick?

Maybe it’s me, but I was hoping for something a bit more playfully bitchy - something a tad more clever - than just a mere “homo”-genized twirl on the plot of a contemporary camp classic. At least the sex is creamily delicious, but viewers who are actually drawn in by plot will be nonplussed.

Plot, schmott. Next time, just give us the big-dicked, cum-drenched sex and leave the pompous pretense at the door.
-Beef Stroganoff