Review

It’s hard to know where to begin with BuckleRoos; it’s that good. But even more, it’s that much fun! That’s the secret of BuckleRoos: It’s a fabulous, fun fuck flick; a hard-core gay porn western fantasy romantic comedy. There’s nothing to compare it to. While so much gay porn takes itself too seriously, BuckleRoos is a hoot. Hell, it’s a hootenanny! Still, where do you start?

Do you start with the directors? Jerry Douglas has been making gay porn since the 1970s; he helped invent the thing. John Rutherford has practically turned it into an art form, first at Falcon and now as the head wrangler at Colt, where he has here revived its once-sizzling Buckshot production label. Imagine Robert Altman and Steven Spielberg working together and you get the idea.

Or do you start with the cast? Every single man in BuckleRoos is at his absolute sexual peak. The diversity is astonishing: from lean, lithe and barely legal to mighty-muscled hard bodies who’ve seen it all. There are eager newcomers, seasoned veterans and at least one break-out star turn. Most are uncut, and the different ways they fool with their foreskins are worth the price of the video alone.

Or do you start with the production standards? Todd Montgomery’s videography, Andrew Rosen’s editing, plus the lighting, sets and music are impeccable, better than some mainstream videos. The opening scene is a crane shot of a pick-up truck driving into a ranch. A crane shot? Nobody does crane shots in porn!

Or you start with the story? Nobody, but nobody, does story porn better than Jerry Douglas, and this is his masterpiece. Here the sex and story are so thoroughly interwoven that you can’t have one without the other - and each makes the other more exciting.

So, come and listen to a story about a Man in Black. No, it’s not Johnny Cash, but Zak Spears in a non-sexual role - though this man is more sexual fully clothed than most men are buck-naked. He plays a mystical figure - ghost, spirit, fairy godfather? - who dispenses magical belt buckles. While most belt buckles keep pants on, these keep pulling them off. He stays to watch what happens and even helps things along.

Right now he’s looking after the owners of the "Beefland Ranch," Kick (Dean Phoenix) and Jed (Marcus Iron). These two guys live by one rule: no sex a second time around; it’s "hello," then "goodbye." They had sex with each other once but vowed never to do it again. Luvin’ can trap a man, so now they’re just best buddies.

There have never been two more well-defined characters in gay porn than Kick and Jed – ever. They even do their sex in character! Kick is the head man, and an easy going kind of guy. Dean Phoenix came out of retirement just to make BuckleRoos. His body has a hardened maturity and his hair is now long and curly, making him irresistible in a whole new way.

Jed is the archetypal laconic cowboy best friend who hardly talks and never takes his hat off. And Marcus Iron plays him perfectly. Iron has never really been given his due, so BuckleRoos should make him the star he deserves to be. As good as Phoenix is (and he’s incredible), Iron has the 2005 GAYVN Best Actor award in a lock. You read it here first.

It’s evening, and both guys are horny. They go to the local bar, where Kick cruises a bleach-blond stud (Josh Hardman) he’s been after for months. The Man in Black magically appears, gives him the belt buckle, and Blond Stud suddenly goes after Kick like a wild stallion. At one point, Kick actually moves like the broncho-buster he once was while fucking the stud. That’s what I mean - Phoenix uses a fuck to define his role.

Next, while driving into town, Jed is pulled over by a state trooper, the dark, hairy and very beefy Todd Maxwell. The Man in Black suddenly appears and replaces Jed’s belt with his own - and bam, the cop is now a voracious bottom. Jed can’t even get all his clothes off before he’s fucking the pig like a pig, even using the billyclub as a dildo. And when the cop tries to take off Jed’s hat, the cowboy interrupts his cocksucking to yell, "Don’t ever touch my hat." Shee-it, you just don’t see that kind of acting in gay porn.

Back together at the ranch, the doorbell rings, and it’s Kick’s teenaged nephew Jimmy Joe (Owen Hawk, another star in the making), whose parents have thrown him out for doing one too many football players. He talks about hitching to the ranch - and with that we have a flashback to a voracious threeway with Hawk, Brad Benton and Diego de La Hoya. The scene is done in a parked convertible in an open field, several hundred yards away from a busy freeway. You can see and hear the traffic as they’re screwing their brains out.

The highlight of the scene - and something that this reviewer has never seen before (and has always wanted to) - is a revolving daisy chain: The three line up to fuck each other, and in time the man on the receiving end pulls his ass off the middleman’s cock, puts on a condom given to him by the Man in Black, moves to the other end and plows into the end guy - who now becomes the middleman.

I dare you not to cum during this scene. I just dare you!

Now it’s time for a solo scene, BuckleRoos style. Ranch hands Ricky Martinez and Arpad Miklos are bored. There are two full-length mirrors in their barracks, so each guy starts making out - with his own reflection. This idea usually flops in porn, but here it’s pure perfection. Martinez and Miklos couldn’t be more different - a younger, taut, smooth-skinned Latino and an older, beefy, hairy Hungarian. Still not satisfied, they finish with the mirrors and start sucking themselves off. Yep - two guys self-sucking at the same time, ending in massive dual facial cumshots and scarfings.

I ain’t never seen nuthin’ like that before!

The only way to end this is an orgy. Kick and Jed head back to the bar. The Man in Black waves his hand - and everybody suddenly gets naked. Kick and Jed sit back and jerk off as they watch five guys go at it. As before, each guy has a different look: Jake Andrews just gets hotter as he gets older; Colt Exclusive Chris Wide’s chest is as wide as the Texas horizon; fellow Exclusive Mike Dasher is dark and mature with thick lips; Sam Shadon has a biker look; and Edu Boxer is compact, hairy, Latin and insatiable.

Everybody goes at each other, with Andrews and Shadon taking the bottoming duties, and it is a testament to the camerawork and editing that you always know exactly who is doing what to whom. Eventually the Man in Black lures Kick and Jed to stand up and press against each other as they jerk off. At the moment that they start to cum, they start to kiss - ravenously. They then pull back, stare at each other in astonishment, and... fade out.

Yep, BuckleRoos is a two-parter. So y'all come back now, y'hear?

 -- Jameson Rodgers

Notes about the DVD extras: Among the extras are galleries of the cast and action that are pure Colt excellence, and best of all, a running commentary with Douglas and Rutherford. They talk throughout the entire movie’s running time, regaling us with incredible behind-the-scenes stories. Sometimes they get so involved in their storytelling that they forget to talk about what’s on the screen. It’s one of the best commentary tracks this reviewer’s ever heard, which is only what you would expect from BuckleRoos.

 -- Jameson Rodgers