Review

Ahhhh. Eastern Europe. Where the delicious buff boys grow on trees, and where they’re all hung like trunks. In the splashy fuck-fest Border Patrol, fifteen scrumptious Euro muscle hunks play river cops who can’t seem to take their dicks out of each other long enough to be a viable deterrent to river menace. To protect and to “serve” all right!

On the back of a docked patrol boat, Atilla B. and Miklos O. turn their deck-swabbing chores into some spit swapping and cock grinding. And sucking. And rimming. And fingering. Even double fingering, as a prelude to ass fucking. All this in broad daylight, right out in the open on the river bank, while the wistful new age music drowns out the radio chatter and the boys’ muffled gibberish.

Next we get creamy dreamy cover boys Akos G. and Atilla K. fondling each other while scanning for sinister aquatic activities. Disregarding their policing duties, they instead regard each other’s pulsating cocks orally. Akos puts Atilla over some fuel barrels and pounds his muscled ass while passengers of a passing boat catch a protracted eyeful.

Next we get a scene in a hangar involving one hungry bottom (Lajos D.) and two hung tops (Zsolt K. and Zoltan S.) who do it right in front of all the aircraft. Some sloppy editing and shaky camerawork is evident in this scene, especially the moment when the photographer bumps the camera into a boy’s shoe. From this moment on I noticed all the zooms and pans as the cameramen tried to obscure the obtrusive foot wear each boy is wearing. On the other hand, this scene is ripe with what I like to call “mutant shots” - extreme close ups of engorged body parts sliding into each other that can often, with the proper disorienting camera angles, look like moist furry veiny wrinkled humanoids. By the way, this scene is punctuated by the same feathery music as before playing in an endless loop, but it doesn’t quite drown out the incessant squawking of a chorus of birds up in the rafters.

Back at the riverbank, we see a patrol boat approaching shore. (By now, I’m wishing the studio had commissioned a second piece of new age music because I’m getting delirious listening to this same song over and over. The helmsman must’ve been distracted, too, because he runs the boat aground. But no matter, because this patrol boat is staffed with five horny hotties who get out to assist.) While the first two (Laszlo V. and Elemer) inspect the hull, they’re oblivious to the three-way commencing behind them. Atilla F. is tag-teamed by Peter and Istvan, who take turns boring into his cute bubble butt. Meanwhile, Laszlo and Elemer initiate their own sucking session while still standing in the shallows, and eventually they fuck while propped against a beached tree trunk.

Yet despite all the ass lunging and cum squirting, and even a naughty cream facial, the scene is tainted by a major editing goof that literally jumps back and replays an entire five-minute segment. This might not have been so obvious if the edit hadn’t created a glaring continuity gap. (The two groups are fucking, then one guy rotates and switches to the other group, but then we cut back to the original configuration and witness the identical rotation all over again.) I double-checked the clock counter to make sure this wasn’t a skipping glitch. No, it’s not a glitch with the DVD but rather an embarrassing blunder of editing. Or, perhaps, a shameless way of extending the film’s running time.

For the finale, we’re next to a patrol plane parked in the middle of a grassy field. Zoltan C. uses Karoly’s tight ass as a cock clench, all while propped up against the fuselage and, at one point, on top of the wing. Meanwhile, a stray masturbater (Ferenc) straddles up to the plane and whacks off while watching them go.

No doubt about it: these stunningly hot Euro hunks are 4-star material, but the endless music, jagged editing and occasionally sloppy camerawork are a consistent distraction. As for the lengthy chunk of sex played twice, that’s either careless or shady. (Damn.)

 -- Beef Stroganoff