Review

Boo! Did I scare you? Yep, the poison-penned Princess of Pornucopia is back from his Exile in Guyville. I tried other jobs. I wasn’t suited. Ker-thump Ker-thump the Clown wasn’t popular. (I liked the name though.) So I’m back doing what I know best. Making grown men cry as I tear apart their fragile egos with my critiques. I missed the adoration. In short, I missed being a total cunt.

Luckily, the first title I’ve been handed to review is this Raging Stallion corker, so it’s away with the red pen and out with the peace pipe. With begrudging respect I’ll tell you that Chris Ward has unleashed a big-budget extravaganza upon us mere mortals: bursting out of it’s casing with super-charged-energy, raw spontaneity and plain old fucking white hot sex!

My trouble with Raging Stallion’s stuff is that it’s often overlong. A sex scene that might be of interest for ten minutes begins to hurt my fillings after thirty-seven. But this time they’ve spiced the Appletini up with an actual, factual plot, and it really does look like they spent the Gross National Product of Denmark on the film. The story is a retelling of the old A Star is Born tale, and I swear to God if Judy had gotten hammered like the guys in this, Turner Classic Movies wouldn’t have an issue showing it a couple more times a month.

We start in San Francisco’s Tempest Bar, packed with a Who’s Who of porn. There’s sexy stud Simon Cox complaining that he hasn’t been cast in a film recently. (Sadly, the line “C’mon, I haven’t eaten since I got fisted in Raiders of the Lost Arse!” was unforthcoming, but we can’t win them all.) The film prides itself on the number of surprising cameos that show up. Ward really did set out to create a “warts and all” look at the business. OK, it’s not The Fluffer but what is? Well, apart from The Fluffer itself…

Flashback nine months and Soldier is the toast of Pornoland. Cue clips from his back catalog, but he’s so hot, and always cums amazingly, so I’ll forgive that it begins to look like yet another Sexpack clip-show. But what goes up… And it’s up to bitchy Will Clark to first point out the cracks in Soldier’s appeal.

Cut to the first sex scene, and wow, it’s just plain startling. Soldier plays a Sheik in “Tales of the Arabian Nights,” giving grief to sexy Australian Brendan Austen (Jane’s brother?). Sheik Mohammed (shake-my-ham-head - oh, never mind) is quite rightly pissed when the jumped-up little commoner calls him a faggot, so he proves himself the best faggot in the business by swallowing the blonde hunk’s uncut meat, loving every second of it. The commotion soon draws the attention of Montana, another newcomer - this time tall, dark and handsome. Uncut. Simmering with passion. Deep-throating leads to long, lingering shots of tight asses being eaten, progressing to fucks that will blow you away. And this is just the first scene! The odd bit of spit appears (it is Raging Stallion, after all) before Soldier and Austen take turns pumping each other till their asscheeks almost combust.

Everything is right in this scene - the chemistry of the performers, the camerawork, the editing, the music. Montana looks so fucking hot as his buddies suck his huge uncut dick, I thought my hot water pipes would burst. Austen gives power-fucking a new high and Soldier’s trademark animal grunts will wipe you out. As the sweaty trio let rip with their grit-guns in an amazing finale, we ease back into the plot…

Back home Soldier is aware his star is burning out, but to bring in money his adoring partner Rollins reveals he’s signed up to become the latest Raging Stallion exclusive. Slightly pissed, the two have the hottest make-up sex I’ve seen in, like… ever. It’s red-hot-monkey-spank-sex, but also totally romantic, and I had a lump in my throat to match the one in my pants. Rollins proves he’s got-what-it-takes, whether it is feeding his lover a mouthful of cock, or butt-fucking him like a banshee; this young buck has everything going for him. But he doesn’t eclipse Soldier, who loves getting his ass pumped like the dirty pig he is. Soldier quite literally has the cum fucked out of him!

The day comes for Rollins first performance, working with my personal favorite, Michael Brandon, who offers a friendly pep-talk to the nervous new stud-in-the-making. I’d actually be ready to listen to him, except I know that Brandon gave his penis a name, and I never trust anyone who’s done that. Here comes the third scene. How can I describe it and do it justice? Well, they’re on a yacht and it’s sailing around the San Francisco bay… and... erm…

Yes. You read that correctly. They-are-on-a-yacht. Y.A.C.H.T. Brandon’s wang isn’t the sort that can be discreetly waved around, and the speedy virgin makes swallowing his ten-inch donkey-dong look easy. Anchors Aweigh-hey! Brandon is a certified oral fiend himself and works on Rollins cock and hole, all the while doing his patented “look at my armpits and watch me rub my nipples” moves that we all know and love. By the time they go under the Golden Gate Bridge - uh-huh - Rollins is just a cock-slave, kneeling in awe in front of his deity.

Now we all know why Kim Novak wanted to jump off that cliff in Vertigo - she wanted to be nearer the boat! I don’t know exactly how many laws were broken during this scene but I’m sure the Raging Stallion team were ready to cab it to the airport, heading to Mexico with a suitcase full of banknotes - just in case.

As the two sail in to the harbor (God knows what the sea lions all thought) Brandon is eating out his young companion’s hole, causing Rollins to groan in pleasure, that escalates when Brandon pierces his ass, receiving the sort of fucking you’ve only ever seen in your wildest dreams. His cock staying rock-hard throughout the ten minute in-out session, Rollins finally delivers a stream of white-love-piss that signifies his break into stardom.

A cute scene sees Soldier drowning his sorrows with bored barman J.D. Slater, miserable because Rollins is receiving the very same porno accolade he had won the year before. Doing his James Mason bit to the fullest, he crashes the ceremony while being so shit-faced he’s spitting feces… and unsurprisingly ends up alone and lonely.

His life just one step from being totally shagged, Soldier relaxes at home by watching his ex perform in “Probe.” Prepare to jerk along as we get the final sex scene, a forty-five minute eighteen-tissue affair that features Rollins getting to grips with Jerek (bottomless ass, bottomless throat) and the charismatic (and sexy-as-all-hell) Rios. A tongue-heavy kiss session is broken as Jerek sinks to his knees, greedily inhaling Rios’ uncut tool, getting it glistening with spit, the low-angled camera making the huge cocks look even huger. (Even the music will turn you on. It’s hard and dirty.) These oral exams are just the appetizer as Jerek offers up his hole for the lustful advances of the others; spit-roasted with Rollins jack-hammering his chute while Rios - looking like a Latino Colton Ford and possessing the same energy - feeds him inch after inch of boiling hot cock.

Rollins really gets into it, almost tearing Jerek in half, before Rios decides he wants to sample the star’s ass for himself. But the power-bottom star-turn is Jerek, and pretty soon he’s back on the receiving end of Rollins’ nightstick, taking a cock in each end without blinking, all the while he’s working his own impressive inches. It’s little wonder that the viewing Soldier can’t keep it in, as on-screen the hunks let rip a sea of spunk you could almost drown in! They wipe their faces over each others cum-spattered muscular bodies; Rios takes his time licking the remains from Jerek’s exhausted ballsack, rubbing his sticky spent prick, spreading the remaining juices till he glistens.

Flash-forward back to the Tempest: Soldier has a new career, as a singer in a punk rock band. And guess what - everyone loves him again! Especially Rollins, who waits off-stage. The two become lovers once more, smooching to the enthusiastic cheers of the crowd. Awww. Shame they’re both bottoms.

God damn that Chris Ward. What a talented shit. What a great movie. I bet Wash West is kicking himself that he didn’t make it.

 -- Froufrou A. Gogo

Notes about the DVD extras: With very few exceptions, most gay adult DVD special features merely offer a “rearrange some scenes / just kill time” attitude, but Raging Stallion has created an equally impressive bundle to compliment the feature.

A Porn Star is Born offers you three other ways to see the movie, vastly reducing the run-times. You can watch just the sex, cutting it to one hour forty-one minutes. You can view just the anal action: one hour. For the short-attention spanners, there’s just the oral: thirty-two minutes. Now I’m not saying they’ve gone overboard, but four versions? Even Brazil and 28 Days Later only had three. Now, if they’d offered a “just the pre-production douching version” I’d be thrilled.

There’s a seventeen minute version of the Porn Awards sequence, hosted by tranny starlet Heklina that sadly begins to “drag” a little – who are the people supposed to be? Be more generic next time and drop the in-jokes. I couldn’t understand half of them and I have a friggin’ sister in the industry!

The music score by J.D. Slater is really cool, and you can listen to “undisturbed-by-grunting” versions of three of his pieces. There’s also a five minute interview with Soldier and Rollins (which is a bit too chummy for its own good) and a fifteen minute montage of really hot ads.

Now, finally, there’s a full length version of Soldier’s song “Porn is the New Black.” OK, it’s not as bad as Jeff Stryker miming “Bigger than Life” (“I’m on my way, to paradise!”) or Rex Chandler’s toe-curling rap at the start of Man with the Golden Rod. But if you aren’t a fan of Queercore or West Coast punk you might want to give it a miss. It’s a great song (I love the Isaac Hayes-ish intro), but Soldier isn’t so much Belle Canto as Can Belto but still, he’s better than that guy from The Crash Test Dummies ever was. Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm, indeed.

For once, the overlong running time actually works. There’s enough candy on show to rot your teeth and I want to fuck each and every stud the camera focused on. Woof! It’s good to be home!

 -- Froufrou A. Gogo