Review

Another from my bitch half sister, Chi Chi. She’s a dirty cow, and her imagination has a tendency to run a little wild. God knows what she was thinking when she came up with this little gem - probably wondering why the waiter was taking so long with her order of seventeen desserts, all mixed together in a garbage pail. This is another of her "let’s get a performer and push him to his limits" flicks. (She did it with Matt Summers in Oral Exams.) Here it’s an anal bottom that gets the red carpet (and red pokehole) treatment.

Spike is a veteran of fifty plus movies, not bad for someone whom nasty bitter queens might call "height-challenged." I on the other hand think he’s incredibly cute. I like Spike.

Spike, who could not (on camera) dress any more like a Young Republican if he tried, is enjoying a restaurant date with Chandler. Oddly, the date is so turned on he’s playing footsie. (I did this once. Turned out I had a big dog grumbie on the bottom of my shoe.) Chandler dives under the table to give Spike a bit of oral relief. Soon, all thoughts of food are forgotten as they leave the patio and head inside while making out, much to the amusement of the restaurant’s only other customers, Caruso and Majors.

Our exhibitionist couple is getting into very heavy petting, and when Spike’s cock is freed from its Brooks Brothers pant prison the other customers forget all about their coffees and play “you show me yours, I’ll show you mine.” Chandler turns his attention to Caruso’s meat whilst Spike gets busy with Majors, slobbering over his fat cock and sticking his tongue under the loose dark foreskin.

Just then the beautifully cute waiter (Hunter) walks in, and surprisingly does not say, “California Law states that smoking is not permitted on the premises, and I doubt it’ll look kindly on this behavior too.” Instead he dives in, knocking Chandler out the way and swallows Caruso’s dong. It’s an obvious joke, but I’m sure he’s gonna get a big tip!

Pretty soon everyone’s naked, Hunter swallowing everything in sight and I’m wondering where the Hell the guy with the bread rolls is. Chandler is bent over the table being spitroasted, Spike at one end fucking him like crazy, our waiter receiving some appreciated oral the other. He also receives, courtesy of Caruso, a quick armpit licking session - a fab sex-act that isn’t shown very often. More please.

Five become six when the Head Chef (like name like nature) played by the ever do-able Ford walks in. Don’t know why but I immediately thought of the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show. (“Flurdy gurdy doo.”) Luckily, it’s not that sort of film and within seconds he’s stripping, showing off his mature hairy body that looks fucking edible. Before you can say “I came here to eat meat and potatoes!” everyone is, crowded round for a taste of the Chef’s equipment.

For some unexplained reason they all head out to the back alley. Why? Nice comfy warm restaurant and they go to the place where they dump the trash? Not that Spike minds. He’s too busy licking out the Chef’s bowl, if you excuse the tasteless joke, and everyone else is slurping at whatever comes to hand.

Then who should walk into the alley but Brandon and Richards. No idea who they are, maybe the manager and the guy who siphons out the grease traps? We may never know, as Ford makes a beeline straight for Brandon’s huge dick (like you wouldn’t?) before having a go swallowing Richards too. I’m guessing this sort of behavior happens all the time at this café, seeing as no-one bats and eyelid.

Across the alley our waiter is busily making new friends and this is the first time I’ve ever been sexually attracted to armpits. I can’t explain it.

Brandon lines all seven guys against the wall and rims them all. I’m not saying this just because I fancy him like mad, but he’s so good at this - if the passionate moans of the crowd are anything to go by. Things get hotter when Spike relaxes on a mattress (eww - it could have fleas!) and is royally sodomised by Chandler, his original date. (And they didn’t have to pay for dinner even!) Ford has a turn with Spike next whilst Brandon keeps everyone else hard with some oral tricks.

A trend has been started and all seven take turns to knock Spike’s ringpiece out of shape in tons of different positions and speeds. Poor dear, must have been a living hell! Nobody’s satisfied with just one trip round Spike’s block. It’s second helpings all the way. Everyone is drenched with sweat and poor Spike is speaking in tongues.

Brandon (the biggest on the block) leaves the best till last, fucking Spike to an earth-shattering climax whilst the others furiously beat their meat over him. First to shoot is the waiter; this guy has a porno future ahead of him, believe me! Spike’s cum shower and Brandon’s spaz attack screech signal the end of one of the most dirty-vanilla videos I have seen in a long time. And everyone gets a farewell thank you kiss. Aahh.

Why aren’t my dates like this? Oh, yeah, right. What dates?

I can’t fault this movie at all. Not even if you beg me. But if you beg me long enough, there is one to point out - the running time is so short! It should be at least another thirty minutes longer. I love how Ford and Hunter both do Chi Chi’s favorite Billy Idol sneer, and you’ll wonder why I didn’t go as low as to crack the tawdry “you are what you eat” jibe. That’s because it’s on the box.
-Froufrou A. Gogo