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Skinopsis

Relentless nudity and hot girls from the very first moments, tons of goreand tons of offensive humor.

Now, it's a rare thing that we ever get off our ass and out of our chair to go see a movie. But when the notorious Bill Zebub personally invited us along with Handy Reed and a couple of other pervs we know to the premiere of The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made: The Remake, we had to see what the he'd cooked up. So we shoved our fat asses into a car and drove hours to what could've passed for Tromaville, NJ (it was actually Clifton... which could've been a perfectly nice city, we wouldn't know, we were drunk) and plopped down in the bar and waited for the tastelessness to wash over us. The first thing we noticed is that Bill Zebub drinks watermelon martinis... not in the movie, in real life. He wandered around the bar sucking down his jolly rancher flavored potion. It was pretty striking to see a dude who looks so tough drinking such a girly-fucking drink. We were gonna call him a pussy, but then we figured that bitch drink or no, he could still probably kick our ass. Anyway, after a sea of Jersey dudes and hot Jersey chicks filled the bar and got a little loaded, we sat on the ground and the movie began.

With boobs from the very first moment and tasteless humor, we knew it was gonna rule. From the scene where one of the many killers cuts off a dude's hand so he can more easily use his arm to fist this nearly-dead, blood-covered chick to the hot threeway with a supersexy lesbian vampire to the ventriloquist dummy who loves eating pussy, we were pleased as fucking punch. Sure, the movie goes on too long, but for fuck's sake there was a giant naked chick terrorizing a city and a hot werewolf chick butt jamming a cop, so we can deal with excessive length as long as he keeps throwing tits at us and he did.

Afterwards, we tried to get real close to some of the chicks in the movie to see if we could smell that sweet odor of cheap perfume and wet pussy and maybe, just maybe, slip something into one of their drinks and take 'em into the bathroom and do to them what Jesus did to that hot blonde, but Handy was all sick from the White Castle we ate before the movie so we had to jet.... that guy is such a fucking cock blocker.

-- Rick Stanko