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Review

Faces of Schlock, an anthology of four microbudget, tongue-in-cheek horror shorts, is a throwback to old school midnight horror shows that used to run on TV before most of us were born. Our host for these four campy shorts is Slutpira (played with cheeky self-effacement by Izzie Harlow who delivers painful puns and wincing commentary while weaving her tales of, um, terror. The four shorts range from the painfully stupid (Mike Wuz Here) to the aggressively sexy, but still painfully stupid (Slay Ride) but there are certainly enough scenes of hot T&A to keep our attention as bad puns fly at us from the screen.

First up of the shorts is Blood Witch, macabre tale of a horrible goth chick who decides to conjure up an ancient witch to kill off everyone who mildly annots her. The main goth chick (Countess Samela keeps covered up for the most part but treats us to a phenomenally hot scene of her aggressively beating off under a pair of blood-soaked panties, then taunts us more by wandering around her apartment in those bloody panties as well. There's also a scene where she's in a bathtub (this whole anthology is pretty damn obsessed with shower and bath scenes) where her nipple floats to the surface, as well as some girl-girl kissing with her bloody-faced withc assassin. Cassandra Complex lets one of her massive udders creep into frame during some wickedly hot girl-girl with the witch in a flashback. Blood Witch ends up as the second best of the four shorts... although that's mostly due to Countess Samela and her bloody panties.

Next up is the worst of the four shorts, Mike Wuz Here. Directed by Justin Channell, who also plays "The Director" during the Slutpira scenes, Mike Wuz Here is essentially one over-extended bad joke about a ghost haunting the movie theater where he killed himself and overcoming the new manager's bigotry (or boogotry as it's called here) against ghosts. There's some random drug use and a couple of funny lines, but really, this is the throwaway short of the bunch.

One Foot in the Grave's main strengths are its seemingly nonstop barrage of foot puns and the fact that its main actress is pretty cute and seems able to, um, act. If she got naked, this would definitely be a winner, but since she doesn't... well, not so much.

Finally, we get Slay Ride, starring the illustrious Ruby LaRocca. A perfect example of that old mantra by the prophet Vanessa Williams, Slay Ride is, indeed, the best saved for last. It opens with a random tattooed covered hottie showing off her bulbous boobs and furry-as-fuck bush while endlessly rinsing herself off in the shower, as well as making sure we get a balls-tormenting look at some soap oozing into her tasty ass crack. Then, for us sadists, she is randomly stabbed to death by a black-gloved knife-wielding maniac. Awesome. Then, Ruby LaRocca shows up and instantly, she's showing off a nipple bloody from a fresh piercing. She plays a teen whose parents are pissed that she cut Santa's head off. Her punishment is that they leave her behind for Christmas (in what world a teen getting left alone for several days by their parents is a punishment is way beyond us). We, then, get to watch her take a nice long gratuitous shower. If you're anything like us, you'll be reaching for the lube right aroudn the time that she's scrubbing her cooch. Then, a nerdy chick shows up to tutor her and a bunch of gore ensues... as well as Santa Claus saving the day. Slay Ride's sheer volume of gratuitous nudity more than makes up for any deficiencies that the other shorts may have had.

All in all, Faces of Schlock is a hot mess of boobs, bad jokes, shower scenes (there's even a nice long scene featuring an actress named Tia showing off everything during one of the Slutpira sections) and blood. It's a pretty damn good time.

 -- Rick Stanko