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Review

Cue the sound of this reviewer vomiting profusely.

Ladies and gentleman, before reading on, it is important for you to consider the following maxim: A film about sexual slavery and forced prostitution with nary a boob in sight is the cinematic equivalent to meatless chili con carne. Ok, you can excuse those passionately, preachy message movies that use high quality filmmaking to make points about this serious social problem. But, movies that want it both ways: to tittilate and to preach? Well, those movies are truly the weakest of sauces... unless their tittilation includes lots of boobies. Chained, despite its delightfully exploitative title, is meatless chili con carne.

The story follows a ruggedly handsome buck whose reward for not snitching while in prison is to become hombre numero uno at a drug/hooker ranch in rural Australia where a hot mess of Eastern European bizzos are forced to make the sex with horny mobsters and other sleazy underworld types. Cue, the sounds of sobbing in bad Eastern European accents. Very, very quickly our hero realizes that it's kind of fucked up to make chicks take dicks into their unwilling pussies and, gradually, begins to try to change the place, before finally losing his shit and going all Angelina Jolie (do gooder) meets Charles Bronson (violent revenger) on his mob boss exployer and his violent cronies.

The problem here is that Chained doesn't do a good job of horrifying viewers into making human trafficking is bad nor does it effectively make our cocks very happy with a bunch of hot hooker titties and sob-filled forced sex scenes. In fact, there's only one scene with any naked lady flesh at all and that's just some random hooker crying on the floor of a dingy basement while showing a sorta shadowy look at her ass and an even more shadowy look at the side of her tits. If pure sadism sans boobies makes your hog happy, then a bloody scene of a dude repeatedly punching a hooker in the face until she's nearly dead might give you some chubbification, but we doubt it.

For a true picture of the kind of movie that this limp dicked actioner truly is, consider the following scene. A bald sadistic henchman type is getting all crazy and is hosing down all the hookers (they needed a bath) - they're screaming and Mr. I Just Got a Conscience comes in and they start screaming at each other. Sounds like a great scene, right? Wrong. The hosed-down hookers are fully clothed. Weak sauce, indeed.

 -- Rick Stanko