Review

Friends jessica drake (cynical bitch), Stormy (ditzy blonde), Tommy Gunn (dumb jock sidekick), Eric Masterson (geek sidekick) and Voodoo (captain of the dumb jocks) are in their Texas Chainsaw Massacre-esque van heading to a Metalcide concert. Mysteriously, they’ve won tickets to the show but no one remembers entering contest. Funny, classic over-the-top spoof dialogue starts the movie off, but it quickly leads to Tommy Gunn & Stormy and jessica & Voodoo getting busy in the back of the van. Eric Masterson (Rayford) films the scene on his hand held cam, so the view switches from Rayford’s to the “normal” shot (one of the bonus features lets you watch all of Rayford’s footage, giving a whole new view to the movie). Stormy and jessica are two of the hottest ladies in the industry right now and they look amazing as they make out while getting plowed by two large cocks (jessica in cowgirl, Stormy doing reverse cowgirl). Tommy and Voodoo switch off – Tommy does jessica doggy style and Voodoo takes Stormy in the missionary position. The scene culminates with a large load on Stormy’s tits, one in jessica’s mouth and the realization that no one is driving the van.

Voodoo hops in the driver’s seat but is not quick enough to avoid hitting the guy in the middle of the street. Maybe it was a moose, or maybe a cow or maybe a deranged math teacher that threaten to fail you unless you do some one on one time at a sleazy motel… the dialogue here is pretty amusing as the gang tries to figure out what they ran over. After running him over for the third time, the group finally discovers it is a homeless guy they’ve run over. Stormy wins rock-paper-scissors against Voodoo, off they go with the dead body strapped to the top of the van.

The van breaks down, leaving the group stranded in the woods and even worse the body has disappeared. Brillant Voodoo decides the best course of action is to split up (haven’t seen many horror movies have ya Voodoo?). The girls go to look for a phone and the boys for the dead body.

Stormy and jessica come across the closed Camp Cuddly Pines and are startled by the camp caretaker (Mike Horner) wielding an axe. Tommy hears the girls scream and captain Voodoo decides the “smartest and safest course of action” is to split up again. Voodoo and Eric keep looking for the body and Tommy has to go on his own to find the girls. Around a campfire, Mike tells the girls the tale of the strange murders surrounding the camp. It all started back in 1958…

The flashback begins with a coupling between poodle-skirt wearing Kinzie Kenner and Scott Nails. The couple does doggy, reverse cowgirl and pile driver, ending Kinzie jerking Scott into her mouth. The killer has been watching through the window the whole time and after Scott leaves he takes his mask and the electric carving knife on the coffee table (everyone uses those to make jack-o-laterns, right?). Kinzie thinks it’s her little brother, but she doesn’t live long enough to find out.

Mike continues the story, turns out Kinzie’s little brother was adopted. He was born from a woman in the Pennsylvania Woman’s Asylum (you know the demented, tortured and criminally insane and oh yeah, wayward strippers!). This leads to scene two of the flashback. Manuel Ferrara is a young orderly, who while doing rounds is sexually accosted again and again by Katja Kassin, Rita Faltoyano, Rebecca Love and Taryn Thomas. If anyone can handle a reverse gang bang its male performer of the year, Manuel. There’s way too much action here to detail all of it for you, but each babe gets poked at least once but Manuel’s pony and like a true professional he nails all 4 of them in the face with one shot.

On the murdering little brother’s 18th birthday he is released from the asylum where he endured years of intense electro-shock therapy. After a decade of drifting, he becomes groundskeeper at Camp Cuddly Pines and that’s when the killing started!

Camp Cuddly Pines 1985: Katie Morgan and Kris Slater are down by the lake so they can have some privacy. Oral leads to standing doggy, reverse cowgirl and missionary on the edge of the dock, before Kris loses his load all over Katie’s belly. The two meet their demise with a super electric drill. After 20 or so murders and the killer being set free because he was wearing the clown mask and no could identify him, the town took matters into their own hands… Nightmare on Elm Street style they burned and shot and hanged him, etc.

The murders have stopped, but it is the 20 year anniversary of his killing…

Back to Tommy Gunn walking through the woods… where he encounters an Indian spirit played by the sexy Cherokee. Cherokee does oral, reverse cowgirl, pussy-to-mouth, doggy style and missionary before taking Tommy’s load in her mouth. Unfortunately, that will be Tommy’s last sexual encounter… in this world at least.

There’s a fun little Blair Witch sequence that leads to jessica and Stormy finding Voodoo and Eric huddled together and crying for dear life in the van. The four friends decide to bunk down in one of the cabins and wait for the sheriff to arrive. The caretaker does keep his word and radio the sheriff (Randy Spears), whose “dick deep” in police business. That business is daisy-duke, southern-draw having Devon Michaels. Apparently, jay-walking in the woods is a big offense and carries a fine of one hard fucking on the hood of the police cruiser.

Back at the cabin, Voodoo ventures out to take a piss and get some fire wood. Nicole Sheridan is the creepy chick from The Ring who crawls out of the well and immediately starts sucking Voodoo’s cock and tonguing his “birdies”. The couple does three different positions, reverse cowgirl on the well is my favorite, before Voodoo cums in her mouth. Nicole tries to save Eric, but sadly he gets it with a chainsaw, oh well.

Stormy goes off to look for Voodoo and jessica discovers Eric’s documentary is about her. She knows he likes to watch and gets on her knees to suck his cock. There’s standing doggy, jessica’s fingers in her own ass, pussy-to-mouth, missionary on a coffee table, cowgirl in a chair and jessica jerking Eric off into her mouth as a finale… hot stuff.

Stormy gets chased by the killer, finds Voodoo’s body and runs into Sheriff Randy. Unfortunately for Stormy, Randy is your run-of-the-mill small town asshole Sheriff, who isn’t much help. She escapes with a knee to the balls. Back at the cabin Eric and jessica hear a noise. Eric gets caught by the Sheriff (using Stormy’s technique to escape) and jessica runs off into the woods, only to meet her maker by way of the phone call from Scream and the electric drill.

Stormy and Eric bump into each other in the woods… she needs to be comforted but since jessica isn’t around she settles for Eric. Hell, a little nookie in the woods always comforts me. Stormy does standing doggy, reverse cowgirl, cowgirl and Eric’s load on her tongue.

So what happens to the Sheriff, Stormy and Eric? There’s a classic horror movie twist at the end. Am I gonna share? You should know better by now…

There is one last scene in the film with Keri Sable and Eric Masterson (but I won’t tell you where they are or what’s going on! You’ve gotta find out for yourself.). Keri deep throats, does missionary, gets DP’d by Eric’s cock and a dildo (dildo in the ass) and ends the scene with Eric’s cum on her face.

Camp Cuddly Pines will definitely be up for Best Film this year at the AVN Awards. And rightfully so, this movie actually made me laugh out loud (intentionally!), the sex is hot and there’s lots of it. Plus there’s so many extras on this set that you’ll be busy for days! Enjoy!

 -- Ms. Bea Haven