Review

Sometimes I can’t think up a cute opening sentence, so let’s dive straight in to Battle of the Bulges, shall we? The opening credits were pretty confusing: Lush fauna and flora and odd music made me think I’d been given a screener of “Disney’s Animal Kingdom” by accident. Hey, Pietro: Drop the Toucan shots and concentrate on the fucking!

A bunch of rough-looking cute boys make up Brazil’s elite Special Forces unit. Sent away to train, this (ass)crack team of five guys, under the watchful eyes of their two sergeants, spend more time exploring each other’s foxholes than any special training. I guess this is why South American countries are always having coups.

Keep your finger on the fast-forward for the first five minutes - you won’t miss anything - and slow down when you get to mouthy Jeff Perez half-heartedly chopping wood. Pause to giggle at the bad subtitles: “May I took off the shirt, sir?” His Sarge, Luis Rodrigues (who’s badly tattooed torso and crack-ho demeanor brings “street trash” to a whole new low) shows him how to chop wood properly, and nearly loses a leg in the process. When the sex starts (complete with Bonanza-style music) it’s a bit passionless. Perez can’t suck and Rodrigues is always on the verge of going floppy, not good news for a top. You don’t even see him coming.

Watching this scene are Riberio and Senna - don’t ask, and we won’t tell. So aroused are this pair that they just got to jump each other’s bones. And the sex is quite good. It seems these two models aren’t doing it just for the money. The younger, slimmer guy (Riberio) fucks the muscular one. I always feel good when I see this – makes me proud to be a skinny nelly top. Bravo.

Night falls and the Captain gets debriefed by the Sergeant. Literally. Turns out Captain Handson thinks Sarge Gomes needs to be taught a few things, and I agree, though wonderfully cute in a Ratboy sort of way he never really lets himself go. Eyes perpetually shut (no doubt thinking of ladies) it appears he doesn’t want to be topping any one, so Handson becomes a total power bottom. But tons of positions! And moonlit sex (even though it’s obviously high beams from a car) is always a pleasure!

Finally, our three remaining privates (Santoro, Carvalho and Nunes) sit and bitch about training before having a size queen competition: “Very big! Gosh!” (What - no golly?) A threesome develops (with moderate kissing and half decent blowjobs) as Carvalho - who won the competition - enjoys a rim job and fucking as part of a triple deck sandwich that will have you shooting at the screen.

Whether there is chemistry between the models or not, the sex is still very inventive. I imagine the director was stood over them with a bullwhip shouting, “You will work for your shiny penny.” And the subtitles make you think you are watching something really intellectual and dirty at the same time.

Whilst not possessing the accomplished feel of a Bjorn flick, Battle of the Bulges shows a lot of potential. I'm sure we'll hear a lot more from Pietro.

 -- Froufrou A. Gogo